Another Moment

   Not too long ago, I wrote about that one moment that can change your day.  Yesterday, that one moment was a phone call.  My grandmother passed away.  My world stopped in that one moment.  We called her Meems.  She was 93 years young.  She was funny, quirky, intelligent, quick with a joke, a warm kind heart that was so big, she knew when to be serious and give encouragement and praise, she also had a million jokes and one liners.  She had more personality than I have ever seen in a "grandparent", well probably more than a lot of people I know.  She lived every day of her life.  Even the last one.  I have great comfort in knowing that she spent her finally evening on earth with some of her best friends playing games and having dinner.  Meems loved Rummikub.  If you spent more than 10 minutes with her, she would have you playing.  She also would unapologetically  whip you at it to.  Then she went home and crawled into her bed and worked on her crossword puzzle.  That is how she was found.  She prayed to go peacefully and she did.  She is with her heavenly father and her dear sweet husband.  She wanted to be with him so long ago.  They were a precious couple.  I always thought they were so very different.  She was loud, vibrant, and boisterous.  He was quiet, thoughtful, and reserved.  I loved them and still do.  Its amazing the little things that keep reminding me of her.  My sweet husband pulled out a bag, it was one she gave me.  I found a card I had been meaning to send her.  She was supposed to visit next week.  I was excited for her to see Haley.  I had asked if she would be in town in time for her dance class.  I think of how she used to make Haley crack up when she would go "Here comes wiggle, wiggle is going to get you"  and then they would both laugh.  I remember the first time she got to meet Haley.  I love and cherish the fact that she got to meet and know my daughter.  She was at my wedding.  She was apart of my life.  She was apart of my daughters life.  Her great grand mother.  I am so blessed and comforted by that.  Yes, I will grieve and miss her and I will cry.  But I know she is with Jesus, probably telling him some silly joke.  She is with her siblings and her husband.  Meems lived a full life and lived it to the fullest.  She traveled, she played, she loved, she served, she gave of herself.  She did something pretty awesome.  For each grandchild, when they turned 13, she took them on a trip.  Where ever they wanted to go and what ever they wanted to do.  There were 3 grandkids before me.  I am pretty sure all 3 of them went to New York.  I could be wrong.  I know at least 2 did.  Me...nope not New York.  I said lets take a cruise to the Bahamas.  I dont remember where or why I came up with this.  But I did.  We both loved it.  We bonded.  She still had a picture from that trip hanging in her apartment when she passed.  I will now proudly display it in my home.  I will look at it and think of that wonderful trip and that special time with just my grandmother.  Uninterrupted time with her was a special treat.  I may not have known how important it was at the time, but I do now.   She let me jump on the hotel bed.  I thought that was the best thing ever.  She let me run, play, dance, swim, snorkel, just have a great time with her.  All these years later, I still remember.  I remember visiting her house when I was younger.  She had these blocks.  If you could stack them 20 high she would give you a quarter.  I spent hours stacking those blocks.  I would watch her cook or entertain or what ever while I played with these blocks.  I think they had been around since my mom was a kid.  They definitely had history.  I asked about them once.  She was always giving her stuff away, and marking things for people.  She gave me those blocks and I just wept.  Now I watch Haley play with those same blocks.  The little things, the unexpected things mean so much to people.  She didnt know how much those blocks meant to me until I told her.  I told her she meant so much to me.  Though it had been longer than I would have liked since I talked to her, I know she knew how much I loved her.  She meant a lot to a lot of people, she also meant the world to some people.  I know she found me a star and will wink at me soon.  Charlie did.  She was my last living grandparent.  She was one of a kind.  Tonight, hug your family a little tighter, give them an extra "I love you", call that person you've been thinking about.  That may just be a moment they need.  To Meems, I love you very much.  See you in two weeks. 
Whitney

Submission

    Submission.  It seems like such a dirty word to me.  But it keeps coming up in my life in various aspects.  Submission to God and His will.  For any one who knows me on a personal level, submission is not something typically in my vocabulary.  I don't think it has ever been there.  I was a stubborn independent child.  I did not have a fairytale childhood.  Adulthood, well.  Those mistakes are only mine to claim.  I was someone who need to try things out for myself.  I suppose I "needed" those life experiences to make me who I am today.  But I would submit to no one or any thing.  The marriage I watched  in my life, I said I would never have.  That would never be me.  I did not have the best examples around me, but they were not the worst either.  I have been through more than I ever wanted in my life but God has helped me turn that to good.  Still submission was not there.  I met my husband.  We fell in love, got married, have a wonderful daughter and a happy life.  If you asked him if I submit to anything he would laugh.  It's just not who I have been.  I have learned that submission is not in fact a dirty word.
    Though it is something I struggle with daily.  God calls us to submit to him.  Let him have control.  He knows the way, and the way is good.  Its God.  This should be easy right?!  Well it is not easy for me.  Giving up control and giving in, even to God, is extremely difficult for me.  Maybe because I had no control over my life growing up, maybe my trust issues, maybe my ocd or whatever excuse I can come up with, the fact is, it is hard.  I want to submit to God (that sentence alone took way to many years to become okay for me to say).  He has such a better plan for me.  He can lead me to places and challenges that I could have never imagined.  He wants the best for me.  So why can I not let go of the ridiculous notion that I can have control and still be on his path?  Because we are human.  He gave us free will.  I don't have the answer.  I pray about it every day.  I pray that God takes control of my life, but maybe I should pray to let go of my own life.  I want to live the life that he has called me for, but I don't really know what that is right now.  It took a lot for me to submit to even writing this blog.  I am not one to really share about the details of myself.  That is a huge fear for me.  I have, for the most part of my life, been a closely guarded individual.  I have a handful of close friends that I can call on at any time and they can do the same to me.  I have friends around town but I am not necessarily all that close to any of them.  I would like to be. But I have discovered, I am horrible at making friends as an adult.  I say ridiculous things that I berate myself for later.  I try and connect to people but I  feel silly in doing so.  Then I just feel like they think I am an idiot so I just quit talking. 
    Have I mentioned that I over analyze too?  No, well that's for another time.  I miss having my super close friends to call and say lets have a cup of coffee or lets go shopping or just plain talk to and not feel stupid.  But really, what does that have to do with submission...I don't like to put myself out there.  But I guess God feels that I need to.  Maybe there is some one who struggles these struggles and needs to know I am here.  I don't know.  But this is me, submitting.  Submission may not be a dirty word but it sure is a difficult word.  Difficult in its life application.  Is God calling on you to submit as well?  Faith is in the actions.  I trust my God.  He is good. 
Whitney

One Moment

        Today I was thinking how important one moment can be in our lives.  It can really determine the rest of our day.  Today, for instance, we were out having a great time and in one moment the day started changing.  My sweet daughter was having a temper tantrum because another child didn't want to hold her hand at the time.  Devastating, I know.  Well, that just snowballed into tantrums about everything.  My reaction was one of here we go again.  My attitude started to not be stellar because she was upset.  I was already writing off the rest of the day because of one moment.  Now this is a trivial something.  Big something seems to be all around me right now.  A 10 year finding out she has cancer, relatives having cancer, unexpected surgery, a little boy going to be with the Lord, you get the idea.  Now while these are not all going on to me right now, they have at some point in time.  These are examples of sad, disappointing, painful things happening.  But there are wonderful moments going on all around us as well. 
          Two things come to mind today: our reaction to these moments and our recognition of these moments. Our reactions tell us so much about our selves.  Our ability to see the moments around us tell us about God.  Today, I needed to see this moment as just that, a moment.  It will pass.  If I let it ruin my day, it will show in my daughter, my attitude, my treatment of all of those around me.  I was in bible study yesterday and Priscilla Shirer gave an example that has not yet left my mind (I know its only been a day but still).  She had her friend hold a glass of water.  She shook her friends arm.  Water sloshed out of the glass.  Not ground breaking stuff there.  She said something to the effect that most of us look at the shaking in our lives and why the waters coming out.  She said the water comes out because that is what is inside.  When times are rough, and these moments happen, what's inside will come out.  It was a measure to me to see what that really is, when we are shaken.  There are many great Christian people, but what comes out when they are shaken do not often match their word.  I want to be many things when I am shaken, but I want God to come out when I am shaken because that's what's inside.  I want to see these moments and realize it will pass.  To stop it from ruining my day.  I want to look at the beauty all around me that God has let me recognize.  A beautiful cloud formation, the gentleness of my daughters smile, the loving embrace of a husband happy to be home.  There are so many moments that go unnoticed every day.  Today I am grateful to see a few.  In the midst of pain, sadness, annoyance, frustration, anger, joy, happiness, beauty, amazement....God is there just waiting to be seen. 
         I struggle with my temper some days.  I have a 3 year old who gets tired, cranky, and 3.  She is stubborn, obstinate, focused, hard headed, wonderful, joyful, amazing, beautiful, funny, intelligent, and Lord she is smart.  One thing I have realized about  my 3 year old is that she doesn't know how to vocalize and express her anger in ways that don't just piss me off.  When she is unhappy, she screams in my face.  Do you see my struggle?  She does something to express her displeasure or anger or whatnot but it is in a fashion that makes me crazy.  I want to react and scream.  But, Alas, I am not 3.  This is me recognizing that moment, when what I do makes a difference.  I want to help her, but I have no idea what to tell her to do.  And sometimes, let's just face it I want to scream also.  Some days I do great, some days I do not.  Today, I realized what a difference a moment can make.  Now I will start looking for those wonderful God moments around me.  Because I need it.  Maybe some one else does too.

Whitney

Some Obedience in my Disobedience

         What do you want to be when you grow up??  Still don't know??  Me either!  I have wanted to do and be many things over my lifetime; a lawyer, a clown, a writer, a chef, a therapist, and I think a cat at one time too.  I never once imagined where I would be today.  I have asked the question "What do I want to be when I grow up?  What can I do to help people?  God, what is your will for me today?".  For quite a while now, I have felt called to write.  Now I have written poetry a long time ago, I have started several books in my head and a few on paper.  I thought about a blog.  I dismissed all of the thoughts and just kept going with my daily life.  It was still nagging at me, but I was great at making excuses as to why I could not possibly do this task.  I don't have the time, I don't want to put my self out there that much, What am I going to say, Who cares what I have to say...and so on and so on.  Well, I started a bible study of Jonah, Navigating a Life Interrupted by Priscilla Shirer.  I was immersed in a world of playing catch up on my "homework" for bible study.  I had 10 days of work to catch up on in a short period of time.  Boy oh boy does God work in mysterious ways.  The more I studied the more I felt I was being like Jonah and ignoring what was asked of me.  Then I realized that while I may not know where this is going to head and what I am going to say, it was clear I needed to obey God.  He can and will lead me.  So here I am, obeying.  Not something I usually do well.  But if there is one thing I have learned in my life, God's plans are greater, bigger, better than anything I can dream of or imagine.
          So, the name...the peace in the river.  I was doing a bible study (I don't remember which one...but it was a Beth Moore), and in the video Beth said something to the effect of the bible says peace like a river, now picture a river....really picture it.  It is not always calm, it is not always clear.  There are ups and downs and rocks and rapids and a few calm moments.  Well, I am quite sure there was more to it and I am not claiming to be quoting her, but the idea and image stuck with me.  My life is filled with images just like that one.  So I try and remember to look for the peace in the river.  That is where the name came from. 
         My plan now...I have no idea.  In my head, I have written several blog posts of this nonexistent blog.  Now that it is a reality, who knows?  Today, I am just getting started.  Taking my baby steps of obedience.  Maybe later today, or tomorrow, or next week I will have more to say.  But it's a start. 
Whitney