That title...that is not just a word today. It is reality and it is hard. Tomorrow my mom goes in for open heart surgery. A little back ground can be found in some of my posts here or my sisters latest blog that gives more detail. http://chiselachurch.blogspot.com/ My mom has been through so much over the last year. That's right, for those keeping count it has been almost a year. A year since my grandmother passed away and the beginning of my moms illness. September 27, 2012. This will be the third surgery with a fourth to follow in a year. One body can only take so much. My prayer, my faith, my hope, is that when this is all said and done she will be a whole new woman. They will have rebuilt her bigger, better, newer, stronger. My emotions are overwhelming right now. I try to be strong for my mom, just be here for my dad and help him as he needs, take care of my family, keep my sister, friends, family informed, while trying to figure out exactly what I feel all at the same time. I dont tell my mom. She does not need that. That alone hurts, she is my best friend. I love her more than she will ever know and it pains me that I cant take away her pain. I would if I could, in an instant. I dont want to burden her. She has enough on her plate. My dad is always a rock, but sometimes, he leans on me. He needs that and he needs me to be here for him. It took us a long time to get to that place. It sucks that here is where it is but at least I can feel like I am doing something for him. He tries for be a sole caretaker for my mom. While he gets annoyed at times, there is such a tenderness and love that I have never seen before. Then there is my poor sister. I feel so bad for her but I know the strength it must take for her. She is far away in Africa with nothing but her prayers and the most AMAZING GOD she can know. I know how much she wants to be here but I know that God is giving her the strength she needs. I can text her info and I PRAISE GOD for that. I praise Him for so much of this. Everyday I praise. There are so many things that could have, should have and would have gone wrong/awry at this point. But they didnt. For that I praise God. That my mother is a walking miracle I praise God. That we are so surrounded in prayer I praise God. That friends and family have called, messaged, texted, emailed love and prayers, people I never would have imagined, have been praying for us and for her. My sister is right when she said we tend to look at the negative. But God has put positive, hopeful, optimistic thoughts and words in my heart. He has a plan and it is greater than mine. He has got this. My control of ANYTHING is an illusion. I praise God for this. Today I may not be handling things well, but I know He is in my heat and Faith is in my heart. Today I am panicky and fearful and scared and human. Just plain human. Tomorrow I will be strong. But for today, I am a mess. I am God's mess. He will carry me through this. He will carry us all through this. PRAISE YOU LORD!!! I feel like this is a jumbled mess. I have such organized thoughts in my head. One day they will come out like that.
Whitney
