I have discovered/ known that I am much better with words on paper than the ones that spill from my mouth. My "filter", if you will, works much better on paper. I think about what to say, how to say it, and what kind of a purpose it may have. Lately, I have had a lot of words to say but I just didn't feel that call to write it out to the world. A big part of me wonders if it is just my fear again. Then words just keep coming up. Today in my devotional. It was about emotions and our words when we are emotional. Todays bible study. The words moved me. By the way, we have moved on to Nehemiah by Kelly Minter. Very good so far. Some of the ladies had a chance to hear her speak last night. I hear it was wonderful. I did not go as I was playing forts with my daughter. =) Anyway, I was reminded of James. He says what is in your heart comes out of your mouth. I am of course summarizing here, but you get the gist.
Words have always been my sharpest weapon, and my weapon of choice. Sarcasm was overflowing when I was growing up. I was a natural at it. Then when I worked in restaurants, well every word was usually peppered with bitterness, sarcasm, sometimes hatred, lots of anger, but always a hardness or edge to it. I found myself hardened at people, troubles, life, and just about everything around me. Words were just words. Things I never imagined I would be saying just poured out of my mouth and I really thought nothing about it. We have all said things we wish we hadn't. We all wish people had not said certain things to us. Words can cut, deeper than any knife, sword, or gunshot ever could. But you cannot "un"say words. Once they are out there, they are there. You can apologize, ask for forgiveness, and many things to make up for it. But they were said. You cant take it back. So why are we not more careful with our words?
Just as words can tear you down, they can build you up, give you courage, help to encourage, express love, compassion, happiness, joy, peace, sadness, sorrow, and more but without hurting someone else. So often we say things that truly do not need to be said. Sometimes we speak too much about one thing. We "beat dead horses". I remember growing up, we were traveling and "disagreeing" about something. I think my sister said "You are beating a dead horse" and I think my dad said "My horse isn't dead yet"! I still laugh about that. We think we still have a point to make but we have gone wwwaaaayyyy past it. Words are so much more important than we give them credit. Justin and I started doing a new small group at church about the 5 love languages. I was not shocked to be told that most important to me are words of affirmation. I knew it in my heart but have never been "told" like that. People in general like to hear good things. I do. I did not have a lot of affirming words growing up. There were some. I treasured those. But it was only as an adult that I realized how deep the wounds of words that were spoken and the ones left unspoken and how quickly they can be reopened. I want to build up the people around me. I want my husband to know how truly inspiring, wonderful, smart, caring, grateful, thankful, and spirited he is. I want my daughter to know how her smile lights up a room, how beautiful she is inside and out, smart, funny, joyous, charismatic she is. I want to build up the people around me. I want the good in my heart to flow out of my mouth. I struggle sometimes, especially with my sarcastic and snarky side that wants to rise up sometimes, but I find myself trying to hold my tongue. I have spoken plenty of harmful and hurtful words, now I want them to be uplifting, inspiring, meaningful and loving words. Your words make a difference. What will they say?
Whitney
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
The Community in the Faith
I have mentioned a few times that I attend a bible study. I should say I am blessed to attend this bible study. I started bible study 3 years ago. These ladies took me in and helped me in ways I could never explain or convey to them. In a few words, I am grateful, thankful, and praise-ful. God designed this. I know He did. These ladies have guided me through so much. They probably don't know they have, but they have. I am one of the younger ones in the group. I get to listen to their experiences and take in so much. I love to try and be a sponge to absorb their wisdom. Funny thing is I didn't used to believe in organized religion and things like bible study. I thought I did not need a church or a place of worship. If I needed God well I just talked to Him. But through bible study I have learned that we are made for community. The church is a gathering of believers. We help each other. Through the good and the bad. We talk things out, we muse about things, we learn together. I am a better person when I am in bible study. I am sad that I resisted it for so long. But, that is not the point of today.
I have been struggling with something this week, what to say, how to handle it, basically what can I do. I felt powerless (which I am) and almost hopeless over the situation. I prayed about it. I talked with a person about it. But then came bible study. A lady was sharing something in her life and how God had moved her, and what he had done, and the grace he had shown her. Something clicked. Her one story gave me hope. I told her that. I expanded on my struggle with the group. These ladies through God and the holy spirit moved my heart. I had tears in my eyes but they did not fall. They reminded me that God knows what he is doing, to look around at the blessings I have and be grateful for those, and that maybe just maybe what I was looking at as I negative in my life was truly a blessing from God. I need to praise God for that. It brought me back from anger, hurt, resentment, and pride. Then we watched the video, and it was just like a smack on the head. It said God is good at his job. We cannot put God in a box. To trust in Him and have faith in Him does not mean he will do what we want when we want. Jonah pitched a temper tantrum because he had expectations of what God was going to do once he was obedient and God did what God needed to do. I don't know what seeds are being planted by my acts, nor do I know what kind of a difference I am making by trying to walk in faith. God is good. I may struggle now but I can see the blessings in my struggle. I can see hope. God's plans are greater than mine. I need to stop trying to put him in a box with my plans. It is not about me. It is about Him. He is so great. And I hope I don't for get again that He is Good at His Job! Praise God! Are you struggling with something right now? Sometimes that community in faith can help. God works wonders.
Whitney
I have been struggling with something this week, what to say, how to handle it, basically what can I do. I felt powerless (which I am) and almost hopeless over the situation. I prayed about it. I talked with a person about it. But then came bible study. A lady was sharing something in her life and how God had moved her, and what he had done, and the grace he had shown her. Something clicked. Her one story gave me hope. I told her that. I expanded on my struggle with the group. These ladies through God and the holy spirit moved my heart. I had tears in my eyes but they did not fall. They reminded me that God knows what he is doing, to look around at the blessings I have and be grateful for those, and that maybe just maybe what I was looking at as I negative in my life was truly a blessing from God. I need to praise God for that. It brought me back from anger, hurt, resentment, and pride. Then we watched the video, and it was just like a smack on the head. It said God is good at his job. We cannot put God in a box. To trust in Him and have faith in Him does not mean he will do what we want when we want. Jonah pitched a temper tantrum because he had expectations of what God was going to do once he was obedient and God did what God needed to do. I don't know what seeds are being planted by my acts, nor do I know what kind of a difference I am making by trying to walk in faith. God is good. I may struggle now but I can see the blessings in my struggle. I can see hope. God's plans are greater than mine. I need to stop trying to put him in a box with my plans. It is not about me. It is about Him. He is so great. And I hope I don't for get again that He is Good at His Job! Praise God! Are you struggling with something right now? Sometimes that community in faith can help. God works wonders.
Whitney
Monday, October 8, 2012
The Tears in the Study
So today is my very first day to not have plans/ appointments already made while my daughter was at school. I was elated at the thoughts of what I could do...by my self...alone...in a quiet house. The possibilities are endless in my mind. The first thing I think of is to clean out closets, its that time of year and it needs to be done, next on the list is read a book, then nothing. Just do nothing and enjoy quiet. Yea well I am not sure I can do that anymore. Anyway, I did none of the above. I did my bible study homework. Well 3 days so far. My homework is important to me because I feel with bible study, you get out of it what you put in to it. Totally just my opinion. I know times get busy, there is lots going on, etc. I just try to make it a point to do my homework to spend that time with God and His word. So I did. Alone. Just me and God. He did some serious work in my head this morning.
My sweet husband and I are *trying* to do a small group at church. It has been going for two weeks, and he made it yesterday. The kiddo and I stayed home. She has some allergies going on right now and I just wanted to do what is best for her. Moving on, they let us watch the videos we had missed. It is about prayer circles. Praying circles around what you are asking God to do in your life. The leader/narrator of the video asked what is your Jericho? I have been thinking about that and the reality that I am not very good about praying for all the specifics in my life. So this is already on my heart. This blog is on my heart. In comes my bible study of Jonah and the interrupted life. Well the ending of day 3 homework is reminding us that if it feels too big and overwhelming for us, it is. He needs us to rely on Him. Next is that if he calls us to it, He will equip us. The third is that he has prepared the way for us. He is waiting on our obedience for us to step out in faith and let Him be shown. We don't know what he has done before us. But we need to obey and it will matter. To someone. This brought me to tears. Our minds get in our way more than anything else I can think of at this time. We tell ourselves so many lies. We stop our selves from doing what needs to be done. I can think of so many examples of this in my own life, it is sad to me. I am learning day by day, study by study, step by step, to walk in faith.
Here is my best example for you. When my daughter was born, I thought because I was try to breast feed her that the baby weight I had gained would just fall off. I have struggled with weight my whole life. I have lied to myself my whole life. I have believed the lies told to me my whole life. But suddenly because I had this wonderful child, and I was trying to do what I thought was the best thing for her, weight would just come off. Ha!!!! I struggled to make milk. Well, there goes that plan. I had to come to terms with supplements for her. I still tried. For four or so months I tried and I cried. I think at 6 months I just gave up. Well, by the time she was 9 months old, I was probably the heaviest I had been in my life. I hated myself with more passion and fervor than were really necessary. I had two wonderful people offer to help me get started with weight loss. I started nutri-system. It went well. I lost some weight. I was getting closer to my goals. I started working out. Little bit at a time. I started zumba. I loved it but as my daughter got more active, I did not have/make the time needed for it. I started doing Jillian Micheal s workouts. Loved them. Good exercise and good amount of time without being too long. Then my husband lost weight. He started doing P90x. He did it twice. He then started being a coach for beachbody. That is the company that makes P90x, Insanity, TurboFire, Tai Cheng, 10 Minute Trainer and more. Well, I saw the ad for 10 Minute Trainer. I loved it, did it twice, same thing with turbo jam (except I only did it once). Now I am doing Tai Cheng and looking forward to starting Les Milles Combat when I am done with Tai Cheng. We eat healthy meals, make menus, buy groceries accordingly, track calories, and try very hard to lead a healthy life style. We did not diet. We made a life style change. It happened slowly. Every time I work out, there is a voice in my head. You cant do that. You are not strong enough to do that. You cant. You wont. Isn't easier just sleep in or sit down and watch tv? Every day, I have to remind my self that that voice is a lie. I am strong enough. I can do it. I have more energy, a MUCH happier demeanor, I feel better, more centered, more at peace. If I had let that voice in my head win, I probably would not be writing this blog, I could have given in to the easier way of life. I get up early and workout when I take my daughter to school. I take time that could have been used to clean out closets, read a book, do nothing, and I do bible study. I take time to write this. Because God has a plan. He has equipped me to do it. I am stronger in the places I have been broken. It will matter to someone. I will matter to someone. Just because I cannot see the path, I will follow it. I need God. I rely on God. He has called me to pray today. To take all the things I have been thinking of and pray. What has he called you for today? What are you asking Him to do for you today?
Whitney
My sweet husband and I are *trying* to do a small group at church. It has been going for two weeks, and he made it yesterday. The kiddo and I stayed home. She has some allergies going on right now and I just wanted to do what is best for her. Moving on, they let us watch the videos we had missed. It is about prayer circles. Praying circles around what you are asking God to do in your life. The leader/narrator of the video asked what is your Jericho? I have been thinking about that and the reality that I am not very good about praying for all the specifics in my life. So this is already on my heart. This blog is on my heart. In comes my bible study of Jonah and the interrupted life. Well the ending of day 3 homework is reminding us that if it feels too big and overwhelming for us, it is. He needs us to rely on Him. Next is that if he calls us to it, He will equip us. The third is that he has prepared the way for us. He is waiting on our obedience for us to step out in faith and let Him be shown. We don't know what he has done before us. But we need to obey and it will matter. To someone. This brought me to tears. Our minds get in our way more than anything else I can think of at this time. We tell ourselves so many lies. We stop our selves from doing what needs to be done. I can think of so many examples of this in my own life, it is sad to me. I am learning day by day, study by study, step by step, to walk in faith.
Here is my best example for you. When my daughter was born, I thought because I was try to breast feed her that the baby weight I had gained would just fall off. I have struggled with weight my whole life. I have lied to myself my whole life. I have believed the lies told to me my whole life. But suddenly because I had this wonderful child, and I was trying to do what I thought was the best thing for her, weight would just come off. Ha!!!! I struggled to make milk. Well, there goes that plan. I had to come to terms with supplements for her. I still tried. For four or so months I tried and I cried. I think at 6 months I just gave up. Well, by the time she was 9 months old, I was probably the heaviest I had been in my life. I hated myself with more passion and fervor than were really necessary. I had two wonderful people offer to help me get started with weight loss. I started nutri-system. It went well. I lost some weight. I was getting closer to my goals. I started working out. Little bit at a time. I started zumba. I loved it but as my daughter got more active, I did not have/make the time needed for it. I started doing Jillian Micheal s workouts. Loved them. Good exercise and good amount of time without being too long. Then my husband lost weight. He started doing P90x. He did it twice. He then started being a coach for beachbody. That is the company that makes P90x, Insanity, TurboFire, Tai Cheng, 10 Minute Trainer and more. Well, I saw the ad for 10 Minute Trainer. I loved it, did it twice, same thing with turbo jam (except I only did it once). Now I am doing Tai Cheng and looking forward to starting Les Milles Combat when I am done with Tai Cheng. We eat healthy meals, make menus, buy groceries accordingly, track calories, and try very hard to lead a healthy life style. We did not diet. We made a life style change. It happened slowly. Every time I work out, there is a voice in my head. You cant do that. You are not strong enough to do that. You cant. You wont. Isn't easier just sleep in or sit down and watch tv? Every day, I have to remind my self that that voice is a lie. I am strong enough. I can do it. I have more energy, a MUCH happier demeanor, I feel better, more centered, more at peace. If I had let that voice in my head win, I probably would not be writing this blog, I could have given in to the easier way of life. I get up early and workout when I take my daughter to school. I take time that could have been used to clean out closets, read a book, do nothing, and I do bible study. I take time to write this. Because God has a plan. He has equipped me to do it. I am stronger in the places I have been broken. It will matter to someone. I will matter to someone. Just because I cannot see the path, I will follow it. I need God. I rely on God. He has called me to pray today. To take all the things I have been thinking of and pray. What has he called you for today? What are you asking Him to do for you today?
Whitney
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
The Faith in the Action
This has been a hard week for me. But God is faithful and so am I. I find it so funny how faith and action can just kind of show up in your life. So I mentioned when I started this blog that I felt it was a calling from God. For me to write. I didn't know where it was headed, and still truthfully don't. But I know he is calling me to start telling my story. Now you should be aware, I don't like telling people the sticky side of my life. I don't keep it from people, but I don't advertise it either. Yet, I want to be real and I want to be authentic. So often in this life, we wear masks and facades. I wonder why that is, and why it is so very common. People life is messy. No one is perfect. Jesus was. That's it. We all go through trials and tribulations. We have great seasons in our lives and really bad seasons in our lives. Why can't we all own up to that? So when there is a bad season, you can reach out to people to help you or just listen and be there for you. We are all called to help one another. Yet, we smile and say we are having a great day. Yep everything is fine. Well, it is okay if its not.
Fear. We are so fearful of what other people will say, think, do, how they will act toward us when they see us in our messes. I am afraid. There are parts of my life that I would rather not think about much less relive. I have asked for forgiveness from God, from people I hurt, and mainly myself. But in that darkness is a message. God made my mess into a message. In so many ways. So here it goes. I was a physically and verbally abused child. That shaped my every thought and action for more years than I care to say. Talk about fear. I always wondered when the other shoe would drop. I am a fighter. It just part of who I am. That made matters worse. I did not just sit there and take it. Maybe I should have maybe I should not have. But it sure made it interesting. It took a very long time for those things not to define me and what I did in my life. I have/had, work in progress, trust issues, anger issues, and the when is it going to happen again issues. I have learned to trust people a little more now. My anger is 110% better than it used to be. I don't feel the need to fight over every little thing. I pick my battles so to say. And as for wondering when it's going to happen again. I have God. That is what I need and all I need. He is great. His plans are far better than mine. He has used my abusive situation to try to help other kids in that situation to offer them my experience, strength and hope. He made me aware of bad relationships and knowing what I would never put up with or succumb to. He took something awful and made it his. I will not say it is good, because no one should go through those things, but he made it manageable and turned it into something I could deal with. I am good at just putting things away, not dealing with them, the whole the will go away on their own. Yea that never worked. I was like a ticking time bomb, that eventually exploded. God took my situation and did His wonderful work with it. They say there is no testimony without a test first. There is real and authentic. It is in trusting God wholly and completely. These are just baby steps for me, but huge leaps and bounds knowing that I "spoke" the words and it will be okay. Maybe its easier to write to an audience I can't see or hear. But there is also the fear that once its on the Internet its out there. Anyway, I suppose I will continue with my story, so to speak, another time. For now, I thank God for where I am today. I would not be here without him. Now, I ask you, what is He calling you to do today? Have you tried it?
Whitney
Fear. We are so fearful of what other people will say, think, do, how they will act toward us when they see us in our messes. I am afraid. There are parts of my life that I would rather not think about much less relive. I have asked for forgiveness from God, from people I hurt, and mainly myself. But in that darkness is a message. God made my mess into a message. In so many ways. So here it goes. I was a physically and verbally abused child. That shaped my every thought and action for more years than I care to say. Talk about fear. I always wondered when the other shoe would drop. I am a fighter. It just part of who I am. That made matters worse. I did not just sit there and take it. Maybe I should have maybe I should not have. But it sure made it interesting. It took a very long time for those things not to define me and what I did in my life. I have/had, work in progress, trust issues, anger issues, and the when is it going to happen again issues. I have learned to trust people a little more now. My anger is 110% better than it used to be. I don't feel the need to fight over every little thing. I pick my battles so to say. And as for wondering when it's going to happen again. I have God. That is what I need and all I need. He is great. His plans are far better than mine. He has used my abusive situation to try to help other kids in that situation to offer them my experience, strength and hope. He made me aware of bad relationships and knowing what I would never put up with or succumb to. He took something awful and made it his. I will not say it is good, because no one should go through those things, but he made it manageable and turned it into something I could deal with. I am good at just putting things away, not dealing with them, the whole the will go away on their own. Yea that never worked. I was like a ticking time bomb, that eventually exploded. God took my situation and did His wonderful work with it. They say there is no testimony without a test first. There is real and authentic. It is in trusting God wholly and completely. These are just baby steps for me, but huge leaps and bounds knowing that I "spoke" the words and it will be okay. Maybe its easier to write to an audience I can't see or hear. But there is also the fear that once its on the Internet its out there. Anyway, I suppose I will continue with my story, so to speak, another time. For now, I thank God for where I am today. I would not be here without him. Now, I ask you, what is He calling you to do today? Have you tried it?
Whitney
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