Today marks one year since my grandmother passed away. I was working out (I think I was doing Tai Cheng). My mom called to tell me that they found her and she didn't wake up. I remember just dropping to my knees and crying and trying to be there for my mom. We got off the phone. I cried and pulled my self together to finish my workout. I just kept thinking "maybe she will wake up" and "it is not really official". I called my husband and then I took a shower. I knew but I didn't want to accept. My sweet husband left work and came home to be with me. I am more grateful for that than he will ever know. He brought me yellow roses and held me. It was a hard day. We drove down to my grandmothers for the service. It was sweet and touching. She would have hated it. She would have been touched but she would have hated it. This is also when my mom started getting sick. The poor woman was so sick before she ever even made it to the hospital. I suppose I see this day as the catalyst to one of the worst years of my adult life but also one of the most inspiring years of my adult life. You see the next month my husbands grandfather passed away. I never got to meet him but I heard lots of stories. He was very loved. We flew to Boston for the funeral. The good that came out of that was getting to see a lot of my husbands extended family and for our daughter to meet them. Plus she got some time with her Papi that she had not seen in about 2 years. Then a little over a month later my mom went into the hospital. Now I can tell you all that has happened over the next 8-9 months, but I wont. Not today. Today I want to share some of the things I have learned.
I have learned that my relationship with God is stronger than I could have ever imagined. He is the only reason I still have my sanity during all of this. They say God wont give you anything you cant handle. I don't believe that's true. I believe He gives you what you cannot handle so you fall to Him. So He can handle what YOU simply cannot. I would not be where I am right now without Him.
I have learned how far reaching prayer can be, how being translucent in your need for prayer can be a good thing, how sometimes asking for help leads you to friends you didn't really know were there, how groups of prayer warriors can truly envelop you with love, comfort, kindness, and healing you didn't know you needed, how family is truly always there for you...no matter where they are, how time can stop in an instant, how doctors can be both wonderful and horrible at the same time, how the grieving process really does need to take place, how chemicals and drugs can affect and effect more than you ever knew possible, how your sister vomiting sunshine can be such a wonderful and welcome presence, the power of email (one time when things were not going so well I emailed my aunt who knows wayyyy more bible verses than me if she could send me some uplifting and encouraging scripture....she did in an instant and it was wonderful) email also helping to keep people informed and in the loop, how a simple email or text of encouraging words can brighten your day, how the joys of a sunset or sunrise are often missed but they are a little bit of God saying hi, the warmth of cousins checking on you and always making sure you all are okay is so nice, the power of calling your moms best friend just crying your eyes out and how she just listens and calms you down, the bonds that are formed from unlikely friendships, that nurses that care are truly one in a million and you can never say thank you to how much that means to you, a bond with your father that you never could have imagined in your life and that you are good with it...both of you, and how much things can change in just a year. (Yes I am aware that was the longest run on sentence ever but its okay.)
Today I miss my grandmother. My heart breaks for my mom and her brothers. I think of my cousin who had a birthday yesterday and that he is probably sad today. I know I miss getting cards from her. Hearing her laugh. I am so grateful that I got to spend time with her as an adult, that she got to be at my wedding, that she knew and LOVED my daughter. These are things that never leave my heart. This past year has been difficult in so many ways. But I have learned so much about myself and others that I know God is using all of this to HIS glory. We even talked about it a little in bible study on Wednesday. Sometimes these trials we go through are for so many other people that they are for us. How can I say that, because I have heard the stories of how many people have been reached through this, how many people prayed that don't usually pray, people talking to each other that haven't spoken in years, and the stories like that continue. That is what propels me to think that God is turning this into something for His glory. And all of our testimonies that have come from this. God is good. Prayer works and is more powerful than we can dream of. The worst of times will pass. Today if you are so inclined, say a prayer for my mom and her family, my sister and her family (God gives them strength to handle things from afar and I know how hard that can be). I pray that this next year brings healing, joy, peace, and the rebuilding of my mom from the inside out. =) Today hug a loved one and tell them you love them, send that card you have been meaning to, and just thank God for this beautiful day. (I will try and post a solid and coherent post sometime soon, since I feel like my last few have been so discombobulated) I also want to say thank you to EVERYONE that has been there for all of us during the past year. Words cannot describe how grateful, thankful, and humbled I am. To my Meems, Give Charlie a hug for me, do some fishing and rummikub. I know you are so happy. We love you and miss you. See you in two weeks.
With Love,
Whitney
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