This has been a hard week for me. But God is faithful and so am I. I find it so funny how faith and action can just kind of show up in your life. So I mentioned when I started this blog that I felt it was a calling from God. For me to write. I didn't know where it was headed, and still truthfully don't. But I know he is calling me to start telling my story. Now you should be aware, I don't like telling people the sticky side of my life. I don't keep it from people, but I don't advertise it either. Yet, I want to be real and I want to be authentic. So often in this life, we wear masks and facades. I wonder why that is, and why it is so very common. People life is messy. No one is perfect. Jesus was. That's it. We all go through trials and tribulations. We have great seasons in our lives and really bad seasons in our lives. Why can't we all own up to that? So when there is a bad season, you can reach out to people to help you or just listen and be there for you. We are all called to help one another. Yet, we smile and say we are having a great day. Yep everything is fine. Well, it is okay if its not.
Fear. We are so fearful of what other people will say, think, do, how they will act toward us when they see us in our messes. I am afraid. There are parts of my life that I would rather not think about much less relive. I have asked for forgiveness from God, from people I hurt, and mainly myself. But in that darkness is a message. God made my mess into a message. In so many ways. So here it goes. I was a physically and verbally abused child. That shaped my every thought and action for more years than I care to say. Talk about fear. I always wondered when the other shoe would drop. I am a fighter. It just part of who I am. That made matters worse. I did not just sit there and take it. Maybe I should have maybe I should not have. But it sure made it interesting. It took a very long time for those things not to define me and what I did in my life. I have/had, work in progress, trust issues, anger issues, and the when is it going to happen again issues. I have learned to trust people a little more now. My anger is 110% better than it used to be. I don't feel the need to fight over every little thing. I pick my battles so to say. And as for wondering when it's going to happen again. I have God. That is what I need and all I need. He is great. His plans are far better than mine. He has used my abusive situation to try to help other kids in that situation to offer them my experience, strength and hope. He made me aware of bad relationships and knowing what I would never put up with or succumb to. He took something awful and made it his. I will not say it is good, because no one should go through those things, but he made it manageable and turned it into something I could deal with. I am good at just putting things away, not dealing with them, the whole the will go away on their own. Yea that never worked. I was like a ticking time bomb, that eventually exploded. God took my situation and did His wonderful work with it. They say there is no testimony without a test first. There is real and authentic. It is in trusting God wholly and completely. These are just baby steps for me, but huge leaps and bounds knowing that I "spoke" the words and it will be okay. Maybe its easier to write to an audience I can't see or hear. But there is also the fear that once its on the Internet its out there. Anyway, I suppose I will continue with my story, so to speak, another time. For now, I thank God for where I am today. I would not be here without him. Now, I ask you, what is He calling you to do today? Have you tried it?
Whitney
No comments:
Post a Comment