The Break in the Heart

That title...that is not just a word today.  It is reality and it is hard.  Tomorrow my mom goes in for open heart surgery.  A little back ground can be found in some of my posts here or my sisters latest blog that gives more detail. http://chiselachurch.blogspot.com/  My mom has been through so much over the last year.  That's right, for those keeping count it has been almost a year.  A year since my grandmother passed away and the beginning of my moms illness.  September 27, 2012.  This will be the third surgery with a fourth to follow in a year.  One body can only take so much.  My prayer, my faith, my hope, is that when this is all said and done she will be a whole new woman.  They will have rebuilt her bigger, better, newer, stronger.  My emotions are overwhelming right now.  I try to be strong for my mom, just be here for my dad and help him as he needs, take care of my family, keep my sister, friends, family informed, while trying to figure out exactly what I feel all at the same time.  I dont tell my mom.  She does not need that.  That alone hurts, she is my best friend.  I love her more than she will ever know and it pains me that I cant take away her pain.  I would if I could, in an instant.  I dont want to burden her.  She has enough on her plate.  My dad is always a rock, but sometimes, he leans on me.  He needs that and he needs me to be here for him.  It took us a long time to get to that place.  It sucks that here is where it is but at least I can feel like I am doing something for him.  He tries for be a sole caretaker for my mom.  While he gets annoyed at times, there is such a tenderness and love that I have never seen before.  Then there is my poor sister.  I feel so bad for her but I know the strength it must take for her.  She is far away in Africa with nothing but her prayers and the most AMAZING GOD she can know.  I know how much she wants to be here but I know that God is giving her the strength she needs.  I can text her info and I PRAISE GOD for that.  I praise Him for so much of this.  Everyday I praise.  There are so many things that could have, should have and would have gone wrong/awry at this point.  But they didnt.  For that I praise God.  That my mother is a walking miracle I praise God.  That we are so surrounded in prayer I praise God.  That friends and family have called, messaged, texted, emailed love and prayers, people I never would have imagined, have been praying for us and for her.  My sister is right when she said we tend to look at the negative.  But God has put positive, hopeful, optimistic thoughts and words in my heart.  He has a plan and it is greater than mine.  He has got this.  My control of ANYTHING is an illusion.  I praise God for this.  Today I may not be handling things well, but I know He is in my heat and Faith is in my heart.  Today I am panicky and fearful and scared and human.  Just plain human.  Tomorrow I will be strong.  But for today, I am a mess.  I am God's mess.  He will carry me through this.  He will carry us all through this.  PRAISE YOU LORD!!!  I feel like this is a jumbled mess.  I have such organized thoughts in my head.  One day they will come out like that.
Whitney

The Secret in the Parent

    Shhhhhhh....I have to tell you a secret.  Are you ready?  Parents have secret lives.  They have interests that lie beyond their children.  I want to keep it a secret though, okay?  Kids clearly have no idea about this simple fact.  I know did not.  I dont mention things I do or dont do when my daughter is not around, unless it has something to do with her.  It seems to throw her off.  But the truth of the matter is that we do have our own interests and our own lives outside our precious darlings.  Movies, music, books (I love books), people, friends, outings and adventures that we are excited about doing child free.  Now, please don't misunderstand.  I love my girl more than words can express.  My life would not be the same without her.  She is my heart walking around.  BUT...and this is a big but I do enjoy things that without her.  It is a thrill I never knew I would be excited about to turn on what ever music I want and listen as loud or soft as I want when she is not in the car.  A trip to the grocery store solo is like a vacation.  Yet today I discovered something.  I feel like I have lost part of myself recently. 
    Today my sweet girl was in school, and since she has so few days left, I decided to take kind of a me day.  Just do whatever I needed/wanted to do.  I dropped her off and came home and did my workout and second shower of the day.  It was still early.  I realized that I at some point forgot how to stop moving.  I used to just push things aside relax watch TV, read a book, just be silent.  I actually stopped and realized that I had not done that in so long that I actually didn't think I could.  Well, I was fairly right.  I grabbed my kindle and read 2 chapters of a book by my favorite author.  2 chapters in and I was starving.  So I made lunch (now this is a treat no one tells you about...eating lunch by myself is a joyous thing).  I ate my yummy lunch.  Then what?!?  Well I did what comes naturally...I cleaned out my pantry.  WHAT?!?!?!?!?  I actually surprised my self with this one.  But I got started and could not stop.  When I was done, I forced my self to keep reading, in which I got really into it.  Then I had to get ready to go pick sweet girl up.  I thought about my time to myself and how much it had changed.  I will try again another day before school is done.  Relaxing and time for yourself is essential to a mom.  But apparently I have not applied that to me.  I pray I can work on that because I know it helps me be a better parent, friend, spouse, daughter, person, etc.  The bible says "Be Still and Know that I am God".  I need to work on the "Be Still" part.  What do you do for me time and relaxing??
Whitney

The Pressure on the Parent

    These days I feel so much pressure on myself about raising my daughter.  There is so much I want for her and then so much she Has to know.  I stress about this as every parent does.  I pray daily and wonder what else can I be doing?  I want her to know, love, trust, and have a relationship with God above all else.  I want her to have morals, ethics, manners, know right from wrong, be street smart and book smart, to be independent, but trusting, loving, caring, compassionate. giving, a great work ethic, and to be able to relax and play, enjoy a good book, have fun with friends, know how to be alone....and I could keep going but you get the idea.  Poor girl right?!  By the time kids are in Kindergarten they have to know so much more than we did.  There is so much I want for her.  I have no idea how to do any of it.  I try and take it day by day but then I always wonder what else I could have done.  Did I play with her enough? Did I teach her enough today?  Is she with all her classmates?  Why is she not holding the pencil correctly yet?  Is there a book that teaches that?  I mean seriously people she's 3.  See what I mean...poor girl.
    I grudgingly admit that she got a yellow light last week.  I was upset for her.  She didnt listen when it was time to come in from the playground.  I am sure any normal person would say oh well try better.  Me.  Not so much.  We had a long discussion about it last week and then again today.  I want her to respect her elders and authority and know that they are trying to do whats best for her.  Again shes 3 and I keep reminding myself of this.  She is consumed with winning at everything right now.  I tell her daily that winning is not everything, its just a game, it matters that you tried your best, and no eating the fastest is not good.  I know right now I am talking to a wall but I hope if I keep saying it that eventually when it matters that she will remember.  I pray she never knows how much pressure I put on myself to try and do right by her.  I want her to have an amazing child hood and an even better life.  I read too much.  I think too much.  But always turn to God for help, asking him to guide me to train her up in the way she would go.  I want to shelter her but expose her.  I want her to know there is tragedy in the world but there is way more good.  There are always helpers.  I want her not to be as socially awkward as I am.  I want her to make friends and keep them but be willing to let go if it needs to.  I want her to be a well rounded adult with a good foundation.  I want what every parent wants.  How do you do it?  Any tips or tricks you can share?  I pray to let go and let God because it is in His capable hands.  I can just try my best.  =)
Whitney

The Trust in the Lord

  So I keep meaning to post more.  I write all sorts of things in my head....and yet none of them have made it here.  Truth be told I haven't spent any time on the computer.  If I have gotten something done, its been from my phone or ipad.  That being said, I am not even sure what to write about today.  I was reading a friend of mines blog today (again first time on computer in forever).  Her writing is very real and very funny.  I thought mine would be that way (minus the four kids she has).  I realized mine has definitely been more serious and very God focused, all of which I love.  Apparently I will have to get my funny out else where.  I have always loved to write.  Now I just need to get my writing focused.  And my life.  But for the sake of the blog, my writing.  I don't put labels on my blog or promote it on facebook or anywhere else.  I just write and if someone reads it...awesome.  I am trusting that God will guide where it needs to go.  Same with my life.
   Trust is such a hard thing for us.  As people I mean.  Especially as we get older.  When we are young, we trust any one and every one.  Until we get hurt.  So by the time we are older, you have to earn trust.  But what about God??  It is so hard for me to just put my life completely into God's extremely capable hands.  Taking that leap of faith is so hard.  Why?  Because it is unknown, because its scary, because we cant control it, because what if it doesnt work and so on and on and on.  But what if we let go of all of those "things" and just let Him lead the way.  What could we do?  What could we accomplish?  How far could we go?  Who could we help?  We will never know until we just trust God.  I struggle with this daily.  Just one example is raising my daughter.  Am I teaching her enough, am I playing with her enough, which school is the best option, what about morals and ethics and God and right and wrong, friends, and heart issues.  Is she going to be an educated well rounded compassionate understanding person?  What happens if I make the wrong decision?  This one decision effects and affects so much.  And that is just scratching the surface.  Every mom goes through this.  I want so much for her.  Why can I not just trust in the Lord and do the best I can each day?  Today I pray to be the best child of God, wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, friend, person I can be today.  Help me God because I cannot do it myself.  I need to learn to just trust God and listen to him.  My husband is getting so much better at this.  I am so proud of him for it.  There are times when I feel okay at it, and others I just want to flip out and cry.  Each day I have to make an effort and pray.  Do you have this type of struggle too?  Please share or if you dont, how did you get there?  Keep Calm and Trust in the Lord.
Whitney

The School in the Day

   So I was cleaning my house yesterday while my little munchkin was off learning about school stuff.  It was Seuss day so she was having fun.  I was thinking while cleaning about school.  I used to dream about when she when to preschool how for 2 days a week (really just 1 because the other is in bible study) of all the things I would do.  I would have lunch with friends, get a pedicure, read a book, organize the house (mainly the closets...sheesh that needs to be done), clean when needed.  The list was endless and mostly relaxing. 
   Well, reality has struck.  This is February.  She has been in school since September.  1 day I have taken to myself.  1 day I have cleaned.  That is all.  Every other day is taken up with appointments or other things that have to be done.  Yesterday I just took out of necessity.  So if you look at it that way...well nevermind.  Thats not pretty.  When you send your kids off to school I am sure you had the same dreams and they were crushed the same way.  Why did no one tell me of this before hand?  Oh well.  I guess for now I will be grateful, and Thankful for an amazing school that she loves and a gracious God who provides.  Really what more could a girl ask for?  I do have to be truly fair and honest though.  When mom got sick ALL of my free time was there with her.  I praise God for giving me that ability.  Who knows what I could have done or not done?  The moral of the story is that God knows where he wants me to be and what he wants me to do, so that is okay.  Obviously organizing can wait. ;-) Also, on a completely random note...have you noticed how God has been showing off his art skills with the clouds and sky lately!?  Wow it has been beautiful!!!
Whitney

The Pressure in the Post

   Tonight I feel pressured to write because I have been wanting to post for a while now.  But now I feel uninspired to write something meaningful.  Hmm.  Well since my last post, my mom went back to the hospital and it was an extremely scary situation.  But God is good and she is now in a rehab facility to build her strength back up.  I am happy about this and praying it will keep her out of the hospital until she has to go back for her next surgery.  A few things I learned from all of this 1: I am more surrounded by friends, prayers, and support than I ever could have imagined 2: my mom is a walking proof of God and his miracles 3: prayer works.  During one of the rough spots, my moms blood pressure dropped to around 55/30.  Our bible study was meeting and I had already been texting with one of the ladies so I texted her and told her what was going on.  Unbeknownst to me, they stopped and prayed for my mom right then and her specific need.  Within 2 minutes I would say her blood pressure came back up.  Prayers answered almost immediately.  Now I know this is not the norm but God is Good and provided his healing right then.
   Also, my sister and her family are back in the states for their yearly visit home.  I miss all of them more than words can say.  I cant wait to spend some time with them not in a hospital setting. I want to know all about my niece and nephew and what their likes and interests are now.  Things change so quickly with kiddos and I just want to know it all!!
    I also have to tell you all that during this last 8-9 weeks that my mom has been sick or in the hospital, my husband has been my rock.  He made it so I didnt have to worry about things at home.  He was just there for me in ways I dont even think he knows.  I am so very blessed to have such a wonderful and loving husband.  I dont know what I would do without him and I dont want to know.  I dont think I can say thank you enough to him.
   So many people have helped us out so much during this time.  I bought a stack of thank you notes to start writing.  No one wants to go through these things but so much has come out of it.  This has been a very rough few months.  I hope and pray now we can start healing and moving forward (and get things back to normal ish).  Eventually you get out of the fire so now I am looking for roses.  =)  Well roses and snow.  I want one really good snow so my daughter can go play in it!  No ice though.  I'm not picky (or random) at all.
   But seriously, we have been blessed throughout this time.  Now I pray as we go forward and get things back on track that we can be a blessing to others.
Whitney   

The Wisdom in the Age

    Well a lot has happened since my last post.  My mom got out of the hospital, she went back in, and she got out again.  She is still struggling and she desperately needs all the prayers she can get.  But today is not about that or her struggles.  Today is my birthday.  It has been a mostly fantastic day.  I was with my family and that is what matters most to me.  The funny thing about this is that I have had a complex about my age since I turned 25.  9 years later....I think I am over it.  My sister told me once that the thirties have been the best ages for her.  She really discovered herself in her thirties (I may be misstating) and how comfortable she is in herself.  I was really in awe of her for that. 
     My thirties started when I was pregnant with my daughter, and have just gotten better since then.  I think it is awesome that my grandmother was thirty years old when she had my mom, my mom was thirty when she had me, I was thirty when I had my daughter.  Just something that happened but pretty special to me.  In my thirties I have become a mother, had a battle with weight that I struggle with my whole life...and won for about 2 years now, came to the strongest relationship I could have never imagined with Christ my Savior, started and complete a few bible studies, continued to help people, learned a delicate balance of my life (yes it gets off balance a lot but it is a start), started to truly become comfortable in my own skin, lost the harsh alligator skin that I had for too many years, shed a lot of my sarcastic nature, take life a little less seriously, did things I NEVER thought I would do, become a version of myself that is more of who I am than I ever knew existed, become comfortable with my self, had hard conversations with people that really needed to happen, forgiven myself for many things and asked forgiveness for many things, learned the true meaning of marriage and love, moved away from the past and looked to the future, dealt with some of my own issues that I didnt really want to face.  Now while that may be the longest run on sentence ever, it is just a little of how I feel.  Those things never seemed attainable to me.  True happiness in God, a marriage of love and trust and gratitude that is my fairy tale come true.  My amazing husband knows that even when I dont say the right thing, he knows whats in my heart.  I mean I am seriously bad about opening presents and saying something ridiculous.  He (now) laughs and hugs me and knows what I was really trying to say.  I am so very blessed beyond measure.  God has been so very good to us.  My sweet hubby said "I hope you like what I got you."  It wasnt about the gifts to me, it was that he was there.  We went to breakfast as a family.  We ran errands as a family.  We opened presents as a family.  We had lunch as a family.  You get the idea.  We were all together.  We went to see my parents.  I took time to sit and talk/yell at my mom.  Not really yell, just hopefully inspire and light that fire that she needs right now, I did get a wee fired up and got louder.  But hey who is shocked by that... 
    My point is this, at age 19 I had a lot of knowledge and wisdom that people that age never fathomed, but I still had a lot of growing up to do.  I did.  There are still more things to learn, do, live, get over etc. But I have come so far.  That brings such a smile to my face.  Its my birthday.  I used to run and slink away from it.  Now I think I will relish it.  I saw something somewhere (very specific I know) that said You should not be upset about getting older.  Not everyone gets that privilege.  That may not be the exact words but you get the idea.  It gave me a lot of perspective.  I may not be the coolest or hippest person out there.  But I am me.  And that is good enough.  Praise God for that! Thank you to my family and friends who have been with me through this journey.  You are all truly Godsends!  You are good enough too, in case some one hasnt told you lately.
Whitney