Submission

    Submission.  It seems like such a dirty word to me.  But it keeps coming up in my life in various aspects.  Submission to God and His will.  For any one who knows me on a personal level, submission is not something typically in my vocabulary.  I don't think it has ever been there.  I was a stubborn independent child.  I did not have a fairytale childhood.  Adulthood, well.  Those mistakes are only mine to claim.  I was someone who need to try things out for myself.  I suppose I "needed" those life experiences to make me who I am today.  But I would submit to no one or any thing.  The marriage I watched  in my life, I said I would never have.  That would never be me.  I did not have the best examples around me, but they were not the worst either.  I have been through more than I ever wanted in my life but God has helped me turn that to good.  Still submission was not there.  I met my husband.  We fell in love, got married, have a wonderful daughter and a happy life.  If you asked him if I submit to anything he would laugh.  It's just not who I have been.  I have learned that submission is not in fact a dirty word.
    Though it is something I struggle with daily.  God calls us to submit to him.  Let him have control.  He knows the way, and the way is good.  Its God.  This should be easy right?!  Well it is not easy for me.  Giving up control and giving in, even to God, is extremely difficult for me.  Maybe because I had no control over my life growing up, maybe my trust issues, maybe my ocd or whatever excuse I can come up with, the fact is, it is hard.  I want to submit to God (that sentence alone took way to many years to become okay for me to say).  He has such a better plan for me.  He can lead me to places and challenges that I could have never imagined.  He wants the best for me.  So why can I not let go of the ridiculous notion that I can have control and still be on his path?  Because we are human.  He gave us free will.  I don't have the answer.  I pray about it every day.  I pray that God takes control of my life, but maybe I should pray to let go of my own life.  I want to live the life that he has called me for, but I don't really know what that is right now.  It took a lot for me to submit to even writing this blog.  I am not one to really share about the details of myself.  That is a huge fear for me.  I have, for the most part of my life, been a closely guarded individual.  I have a handful of close friends that I can call on at any time and they can do the same to me.  I have friends around town but I am not necessarily all that close to any of them.  I would like to be. But I have discovered, I am horrible at making friends as an adult.  I say ridiculous things that I berate myself for later.  I try and connect to people but I  feel silly in doing so.  Then I just feel like they think I am an idiot so I just quit talking. 
    Have I mentioned that I over analyze too?  No, well that's for another time.  I miss having my super close friends to call and say lets have a cup of coffee or lets go shopping or just plain talk to and not feel stupid.  But really, what does that have to do with submission...I don't like to put myself out there.  But I guess God feels that I need to.  Maybe there is some one who struggles these struggles and needs to know I am here.  I don't know.  But this is me, submitting.  Submission may not be a dirty word but it sure is a difficult word.  Difficult in its life application.  Is God calling on you to submit as well?  Faith is in the actions.  I trust my God.  He is good. 
Whitney