The Year in the Day

    Saturday was my birthday.  I turned 35.  Once upon I have have been embarrassed and ashamed to tell and admit that.  I am not now.  Many things have changed over the last few years one of which is my outlook on birthdays.  I heard someone say in passing something to the effect of you should celebrate your life and that fact that you have a birthday.  I had been sad over birthdays since I turned 25.  Ten years later I am good with it.  I do celebrate my birthday and my life.  It has taken a lot to get where I am today.  I am happy.  Truly and utterly happy.  I love my life.  I (perhaps for the first time ever) love myself.  I love my family fiercely.  I love my God and Praise HIM for where I am today and my outlook.  EVERYTHING I have I have because of HIM.  I am 35 and I am the most confident, strong, fit, and healthy I have ever been.  Am I the skinniest person on the block...um no but who wants that anyway?!  I am healthy and strong.  I no longer let my past define me.  I don't dwell on the past.  I look back and think of the lessons I have learned and want to pass along.  Then I move on.  I am learning more on forgiveness and I'm excited about learning it.  This is the best relationship with God I have never imagined.  He is truly a wonderful, forgiving, merciful and loving God.  I have the most wonderful relationship with my husband I could imagine.  He just gets me and I get him.  He is truly my soul mate, my lobster.  I don't know what I would do without him.  My daughter is incredible.  I want to do my best for her every single day.  I want to help her yet let her help herself.  I want to guide her in the right direction and learn.  She is independent and strong.  She is funny and smart and beautiful inside and out.  She has the most empathetic heart.  Her caring is incredible.  She has a love of life and God.  She shines daily.  Even when she is sad.  I want to do as much for her as I can without doing too much if you know what I mean.  She has to learn some things on her own.  I want her to know she can come to be about anything and know that I love her always.  I want to support and help her learn to support herself.  So many things I want to go on about for her.  But moving on.  I am so thankful for my parents and the relationship we have.  If you had told me 10 years ago this is how it would be, I would have laughed in your face and called you a straight up liar.  I NEVER imagined it but God does that.  He works wonderfully and beautifully because His plans are greater than ours.  Thank God for that.  Seriously.  I love my parents and cant imagine what it would be like now to not have the relationship not just with my but with my husband and my daughter.  They are amazing.  I love them so dearly.  My sister and her whole family.  I miss them horribly and they can not get home soon enough but I treasure them.  Each of them.  I could go on.  Yes more than this.  =)
    I am blessed.  I thank God.  I am not saying my life is perfect.  I have my struggles daily, weekly, monthly, yearly and some days even minutely.  But I have learned not to let these things get the best of me, to pray, to lean on God, to stay optimistic, and that I have my sad, down, yucky days.  But they pass.  When I fall into those rabbit holes of self pity, self loathing, just debbie downer in general, I have people to help lift me up, let me be, and encourage me.  My life has turned out in ways I never thought possible.  And I could not be more grateful.  Embrace who you are and what you offer today.  It will surely put a smile on your face and maybe someone elses too.   Remember that God has given us everything we need.

Whitney

The Reflection in the Day

   Today marks one year since my grandmother passed away.  I was working out (I think I was doing Tai Cheng).  My mom called to tell me that they found her and she didn't wake up.  I remember just dropping to my knees and crying and trying to be there for my mom.  We got off the phone.  I cried and pulled my self together to finish my workout.  I just kept thinking "maybe she will wake up"  and "it is not really official".  I called my husband and then I took a shower.  I knew but I didn't want to accept.  My sweet husband left work and came home to be with me.  I am more grateful for that than he will ever know.  He brought me yellow roses and held me.  It was a hard day.  We drove down to my grandmothers for the service.  It was sweet and touching.  She would have hated it.  She would have been touched but she would have hated it.  This is also when my mom started getting sick.  The poor woman was so sick before she ever even made it to the hospital.  I suppose I see this day as the catalyst to one of the worst years of my adult life but also one of the most inspiring years of my adult life.  You see the next month my husbands grandfather passed away.  I never got to meet him but I heard lots of stories.  He was very loved.  We flew to Boston for the funeral.  The good that came out of that was getting to see a lot of my husbands extended family and for our daughter to meet them.  Plus she got some time with her Papi that she had not seen in about 2 years.  Then a little over a month later my mom went into the hospital.  Now I can tell you all that has happened over the next 8-9 months, but I wont.  Not today.  Today I want to share some of the things I have learned.
   I have learned that my relationship with God is stronger than I could have ever imagined.  He is the only reason I still have my sanity during all of this.  They say God wont give you anything you cant handle.  I don't believe that's true.  I believe He gives you what you cannot handle so you fall to Him.  So He can handle what YOU simply cannot.  I would not be where I am right now without Him.
   I have learned how far reaching prayer can be, how being translucent in your need for prayer can be a good thing, how sometimes asking for help leads you to friends you didn't really know were there, how groups of prayer warriors can truly envelop you with love, comfort, kindness, and healing you didn't know you needed, how family is truly always there for you...no matter where they are, how time can stop in an instant, how doctors can be both wonderful and horrible at the same time, how the grieving process really does need to take place, how chemicals and drugs can affect and effect more than you ever knew possible, how your sister vomiting sunshine can be such a wonderful and welcome presence, the power of email (one time when things were not going so well I emailed my aunt who knows wayyyy more bible verses than me if she could send me some uplifting and encouraging scripture....she did in an instant and it was wonderful) email also helping to keep people informed and in the loop, how a simple email or text of encouraging words can brighten your day, how the joys of a sunset or sunrise are often missed but they are a little bit of God saying hi, the warmth of cousins checking on you and always making sure you all are okay is so nice, the power of calling your moms best friend just crying your eyes out and how she just listens and calms you down, the bonds that are formed from unlikely friendships, that nurses that care are truly one in a million and you can never say thank you to how much that means to you, a bond with your father that you never could have imagined in your life and that you are good with it...both of you, and how much things can change in just a year.  (Yes I am aware that was the longest run on sentence ever but its okay.)
      Today I miss my grandmother.  My heart breaks for my mom and her brothers.  I think of my cousin who had a birthday yesterday and that he is probably sad today.  I know I miss getting cards from her.  Hearing her laugh.  I am so grateful that I got to spend time with her as an adult, that she got to be at my wedding, that she knew and LOVED my daughter.  These are things that never leave my heart.  This past year has been difficult in so many ways.  But I have learned so much about myself and others that I know God is using all of this to HIS glory.  We even talked about it a little in bible study on Wednesday.  Sometimes these trials we go through are for so many other people that they are for us.  How can I say that, because I have heard the stories of how many people have been reached through this, how many people prayed that don't usually pray, people talking to each other that haven't spoken in years, and the stories like that continue.  That is what propels me to think that God is turning this into something for His glory.  And all of our testimonies that have come from this.  God is good.  Prayer works and is more powerful than we can dream of.  The worst of times will pass.  Today if you are so inclined, say a prayer for my mom and her family, my sister and her family (God gives them strength to handle things from afar and I know how hard that can be).  I pray that this next year brings healing, joy, peace, and the rebuilding of my mom from the inside out.  =) Today hug a loved one and tell them you love them, send that card you have been meaning to, and just thank God for this beautiful day.  (I will try and post a solid and coherent post sometime soon, since I feel like my last few have been so discombobulated)  I also want to say thank you to EVERYONE that has been there for all of us during the past year.  Words cannot describe how grateful, thankful, and humbled I am.  To my Meems, Give Charlie a hug for me, do some fishing and rummikub.  I know you are so happy.  We love you and miss you.  See you in two weeks.
With Love,
Whitney

The Break in the Heart

That title...that is not just a word today.  It is reality and it is hard.  Tomorrow my mom goes in for open heart surgery.  A little back ground can be found in some of my posts here or my sisters latest blog that gives more detail. http://chiselachurch.blogspot.com/  My mom has been through so much over the last year.  That's right, for those keeping count it has been almost a year.  A year since my grandmother passed away and the beginning of my moms illness.  September 27, 2012.  This will be the third surgery with a fourth to follow in a year.  One body can only take so much.  My prayer, my faith, my hope, is that when this is all said and done she will be a whole new woman.  They will have rebuilt her bigger, better, newer, stronger.  My emotions are overwhelming right now.  I try to be strong for my mom, just be here for my dad and help him as he needs, take care of my family, keep my sister, friends, family informed, while trying to figure out exactly what I feel all at the same time.  I dont tell my mom.  She does not need that.  That alone hurts, she is my best friend.  I love her more than she will ever know and it pains me that I cant take away her pain.  I would if I could, in an instant.  I dont want to burden her.  She has enough on her plate.  My dad is always a rock, but sometimes, he leans on me.  He needs that and he needs me to be here for him.  It took us a long time to get to that place.  It sucks that here is where it is but at least I can feel like I am doing something for him.  He tries for be a sole caretaker for my mom.  While he gets annoyed at times, there is such a tenderness and love that I have never seen before.  Then there is my poor sister.  I feel so bad for her but I know the strength it must take for her.  She is far away in Africa with nothing but her prayers and the most AMAZING GOD she can know.  I know how much she wants to be here but I know that God is giving her the strength she needs.  I can text her info and I PRAISE GOD for that.  I praise Him for so much of this.  Everyday I praise.  There are so many things that could have, should have and would have gone wrong/awry at this point.  But they didnt.  For that I praise God.  That my mother is a walking miracle I praise God.  That we are so surrounded in prayer I praise God.  That friends and family have called, messaged, texted, emailed love and prayers, people I never would have imagined, have been praying for us and for her.  My sister is right when she said we tend to look at the negative.  But God has put positive, hopeful, optimistic thoughts and words in my heart.  He has a plan and it is greater than mine.  He has got this.  My control of ANYTHING is an illusion.  I praise God for this.  Today I may not be handling things well, but I know He is in my heat and Faith is in my heart.  Today I am panicky and fearful and scared and human.  Just plain human.  Tomorrow I will be strong.  But for today, I am a mess.  I am God's mess.  He will carry me through this.  He will carry us all through this.  PRAISE YOU LORD!!!  I feel like this is a jumbled mess.  I have such organized thoughts in my head.  One day they will come out like that.
Whitney

The Secret in the Parent

    Shhhhhhh....I have to tell you a secret.  Are you ready?  Parents have secret lives.  They have interests that lie beyond their children.  I want to keep it a secret though, okay?  Kids clearly have no idea about this simple fact.  I know did not.  I dont mention things I do or dont do when my daughter is not around, unless it has something to do with her.  It seems to throw her off.  But the truth of the matter is that we do have our own interests and our own lives outside our precious darlings.  Movies, music, books (I love books), people, friends, outings and adventures that we are excited about doing child free.  Now, please don't misunderstand.  I love my girl more than words can express.  My life would not be the same without her.  She is my heart walking around.  BUT...and this is a big but I do enjoy things that without her.  It is a thrill I never knew I would be excited about to turn on what ever music I want and listen as loud or soft as I want when she is not in the car.  A trip to the grocery store solo is like a vacation.  Yet today I discovered something.  I feel like I have lost part of myself recently. 
    Today my sweet girl was in school, and since she has so few days left, I decided to take kind of a me day.  Just do whatever I needed/wanted to do.  I dropped her off and came home and did my workout and second shower of the day.  It was still early.  I realized that I at some point forgot how to stop moving.  I used to just push things aside relax watch TV, read a book, just be silent.  I actually stopped and realized that I had not done that in so long that I actually didn't think I could.  Well, I was fairly right.  I grabbed my kindle and read 2 chapters of a book by my favorite author.  2 chapters in and I was starving.  So I made lunch (now this is a treat no one tells you about...eating lunch by myself is a joyous thing).  I ate my yummy lunch.  Then what?!?  Well I did what comes naturally...I cleaned out my pantry.  WHAT?!?!?!?!?  I actually surprised my self with this one.  But I got started and could not stop.  When I was done, I forced my self to keep reading, in which I got really into it.  Then I had to get ready to go pick sweet girl up.  I thought about my time to myself and how much it had changed.  I will try again another day before school is done.  Relaxing and time for yourself is essential to a mom.  But apparently I have not applied that to me.  I pray I can work on that because I know it helps me be a better parent, friend, spouse, daughter, person, etc.  The bible says "Be Still and Know that I am God".  I need to work on the "Be Still" part.  What do you do for me time and relaxing??
Whitney

The Pressure on the Parent

    These days I feel so much pressure on myself about raising my daughter.  There is so much I want for her and then so much she Has to know.  I stress about this as every parent does.  I pray daily and wonder what else can I be doing?  I want her to know, love, trust, and have a relationship with God above all else.  I want her to have morals, ethics, manners, know right from wrong, be street smart and book smart, to be independent, but trusting, loving, caring, compassionate. giving, a great work ethic, and to be able to relax and play, enjoy a good book, have fun with friends, know how to be alone....and I could keep going but you get the idea.  Poor girl right?!  By the time kids are in Kindergarten they have to know so much more than we did.  There is so much I want for her.  I have no idea how to do any of it.  I try and take it day by day but then I always wonder what else I could have done.  Did I play with her enough? Did I teach her enough today?  Is she with all her classmates?  Why is she not holding the pencil correctly yet?  Is there a book that teaches that?  I mean seriously people she's 3.  See what I mean...poor girl.
    I grudgingly admit that she got a yellow light last week.  I was upset for her.  She didnt listen when it was time to come in from the playground.  I am sure any normal person would say oh well try better.  Me.  Not so much.  We had a long discussion about it last week and then again today.  I want her to respect her elders and authority and know that they are trying to do whats best for her.  Again shes 3 and I keep reminding myself of this.  She is consumed with winning at everything right now.  I tell her daily that winning is not everything, its just a game, it matters that you tried your best, and no eating the fastest is not good.  I know right now I am talking to a wall but I hope if I keep saying it that eventually when it matters that she will remember.  I pray she never knows how much pressure I put on myself to try and do right by her.  I want her to have an amazing child hood and an even better life.  I read too much.  I think too much.  But always turn to God for help, asking him to guide me to train her up in the way she would go.  I want to shelter her but expose her.  I want her to know there is tragedy in the world but there is way more good.  There are always helpers.  I want her not to be as socially awkward as I am.  I want her to make friends and keep them but be willing to let go if it needs to.  I want her to be a well rounded adult with a good foundation.  I want what every parent wants.  How do you do it?  Any tips or tricks you can share?  I pray to let go and let God because it is in His capable hands.  I can just try my best.  =)
Whitney

The Trust in the Lord

  So I keep meaning to post more.  I write all sorts of things in my head....and yet none of them have made it here.  Truth be told I haven't spent any time on the computer.  If I have gotten something done, its been from my phone or ipad.  That being said, I am not even sure what to write about today.  I was reading a friend of mines blog today (again first time on computer in forever).  Her writing is very real and very funny.  I thought mine would be that way (minus the four kids she has).  I realized mine has definitely been more serious and very God focused, all of which I love.  Apparently I will have to get my funny out else where.  I have always loved to write.  Now I just need to get my writing focused.  And my life.  But for the sake of the blog, my writing.  I don't put labels on my blog or promote it on facebook or anywhere else.  I just write and if someone reads it...awesome.  I am trusting that God will guide where it needs to go.  Same with my life.
   Trust is such a hard thing for us.  As people I mean.  Especially as we get older.  When we are young, we trust any one and every one.  Until we get hurt.  So by the time we are older, you have to earn trust.  But what about God??  It is so hard for me to just put my life completely into God's extremely capable hands.  Taking that leap of faith is so hard.  Why?  Because it is unknown, because its scary, because we cant control it, because what if it doesnt work and so on and on and on.  But what if we let go of all of those "things" and just let Him lead the way.  What could we do?  What could we accomplish?  How far could we go?  Who could we help?  We will never know until we just trust God.  I struggle with this daily.  Just one example is raising my daughter.  Am I teaching her enough, am I playing with her enough, which school is the best option, what about morals and ethics and God and right and wrong, friends, and heart issues.  Is she going to be an educated well rounded compassionate understanding person?  What happens if I make the wrong decision?  This one decision effects and affects so much.  And that is just scratching the surface.  Every mom goes through this.  I want so much for her.  Why can I not just trust in the Lord and do the best I can each day?  Today I pray to be the best child of God, wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, friend, person I can be today.  Help me God because I cannot do it myself.  I need to learn to just trust God and listen to him.  My husband is getting so much better at this.  I am so proud of him for it.  There are times when I feel okay at it, and others I just want to flip out and cry.  Each day I have to make an effort and pray.  Do you have this type of struggle too?  Please share or if you dont, how did you get there?  Keep Calm and Trust in the Lord.
Whitney

The School in the Day

   So I was cleaning my house yesterday while my little munchkin was off learning about school stuff.  It was Seuss day so she was having fun.  I was thinking while cleaning about school.  I used to dream about when she when to preschool how for 2 days a week (really just 1 because the other is in bible study) of all the things I would do.  I would have lunch with friends, get a pedicure, read a book, organize the house (mainly the closets...sheesh that needs to be done), clean when needed.  The list was endless and mostly relaxing. 
   Well, reality has struck.  This is February.  She has been in school since September.  1 day I have taken to myself.  1 day I have cleaned.  That is all.  Every other day is taken up with appointments or other things that have to be done.  Yesterday I just took out of necessity.  So if you look at it that way...well nevermind.  Thats not pretty.  When you send your kids off to school I am sure you had the same dreams and they were crushed the same way.  Why did no one tell me of this before hand?  Oh well.  I guess for now I will be grateful, and Thankful for an amazing school that she loves and a gracious God who provides.  Really what more could a girl ask for?  I do have to be truly fair and honest though.  When mom got sick ALL of my free time was there with her.  I praise God for giving me that ability.  Who knows what I could have done or not done?  The moral of the story is that God knows where he wants me to be and what he wants me to do, so that is okay.  Obviously organizing can wait. ;-) Also, on a completely random note...have you noticed how God has been showing off his art skills with the clouds and sky lately!?  Wow it has been beautiful!!!
Whitney