Wednesday, July 5, 2017
The Lessons in the Life
I have read many times to always be a student of life. Always keep learning. One of the several countless things I love about my husband is his ability to always want to learn and never wanting to be the smartest man in the room. Why? Because there is always more to learn. Ways to grow. And inevitably people who know more or different things than you. If you listen, you can learn. God is teaching me. A lot right now. I am 20 days post op from a hip replacement. I realize my last post was about learning that I needed one. In 20 days I have learned a lot and I am sure there is so much more to go. I read and researched so much before surgery. One things was missing from all of that research. Not one person mentioned something I didn't know. Something I feel I should have prepared myself for. So I am going to tell you. Are you ready?! It's simple. Here it goes. Surgery sucks. Yep that's it. No one mentioned that one small fact. I had never had surgery (minor or major) until now. They mentioned doing your PT before and after, listening to doctors orders, and making your nest while you heal, resting, pushing yourself without going to far, and yada yada yada. No where once did it say just how surgery plain and simple was rough. I was doing well even the day of surgery walking and stuff. But the simple act of getting in and out of bed was remarkably hard and painful. The stuff that all the meds do to you is just simply terrible. My first week post op was good but man I had some rough days. I thought to myself many times why would any one do this to themselves if it was not medically necessary. I don't have any answer to that. Because I now know I would not. I am sure in another few weeks everything will be worth it. I truly went through all the scenarios in my head to see if this was indeed the right time for surgery. It was just going to get worse and worse. My quality of life would keep deteriorating until it wasn't a choice. That's not to say this wasnt a choice. Because it was. I could make my hip last longer if I stopped doing taekwondo and being as active as I am. But isn't that losing quality of life anyway? Not being able to do and live your life?! So now I am down for a few weeks to get back up again and continue my life. Yes I will have to be careful when I get back to tkd but I don't have to stop, And this time next year I should be back to full strength and ready to do...well whatever I want I suppose. God has been so gracious to give me the patience and ability to be okay at a home. Outings really do take a lot out of me but I get better each time! God is teaching me limits and letting go of things, that I am not the same without my daily prayer time, to lean on Him through the darkest times and brightest times as well. I am thankful to God each day that I can get through this and know it will be better. I am grateful beyond words to my husband who has been my rock through this. He is managing the household, doing all of the stuff I did (and I'm getting back to doing slowly), still rocking his full time job, and still being the most fantastic father a little girl could ask for. My parents ....seriously we couldn't have done this without them. They have made sure our munchkin was well taken care of while I was in the hospital, gotten her to camps and back, to tkd and back, and just made sure I was okay each and every day. They have gotten us groceries, emptied litter boxes and Fed the cat, brought balloons and flowers and cheered me up! My munchkin has been amazing through this as well. She has been the best helper and nurse, and been so patient and understanding while I cant do too much with her. It's hard when mommy is down for an extended period of time. My friends. They have stopped by to check on us, send cards, gift cards, text messages and meals. Our village of friends and family have all made this possible and bearable. God I thank you for that and for each and every one of them. Praise you Lord!!
Monday, April 11, 2016
The Smack in the Face
Sometimes life just hits you. Smack in the face. Like a baseball you didn't see coming. Sometimes it is more subtle. This week was a baseball week. I got hit. Straight in the face. Not looking. Completely unaware. Thank God for that.
I went to the doctor to check out a knee pain that has been bothering me for months and months on end. I kept putting it off thinking it would get better. Also because I was afraid of what the doctor would say. I mean lets be honest. I work out average of 5 days a week and train at tae kwon do at least 2 days a week. If something happens to my knee what would I do?! I talked to people I train with asking knee related questions. My pain never seemed to match theirs. So I played out all the scenarios in my head of what was or could be wrong with my knee. So now off I go to the doctor. Lets get some X-rays. Okay. Hey so your knee looks perfect. Hmmmm do what now?? Okay so sometimes it feels as though it running this way and that. Oh really...Yep. Lets back track and look at your hip. Um do what now? Okay.
And so what happened next is really where things changed. X-rays of hip done. Well your knee is perfect but you have horrific arthritis in your hip along with 2 bone spurs. You will need a hip replacement. When you cant handle the pain. So let me get this straight...my knee hurts...its not my knee...I have a really bad hip and need a hip replacement....I'm only 37. Nope nope nope. That's not the scenario that I have worked through and dealt with, lets go back. No. Fine be that way. We talked. I was in a bit of shock. I don't have to have the replacement today. Or even tomorrow. Just when I cant handle the pain anymore. Lots of people manage to go 10-20 years before deciding on the replacement. And there is hope of stem cell research doing something for arthritis before then as well. Oh good. So my husband calls and says what are you doing. Currently sitting in my car crying. I am allowed to be upset. Tomorrow I will be okay. Today I'm sad and upset. And I was. Now I can pinpoint my pain and what it is. Which is weird mind you. Walking through the grocery store with my leg hurting and now knowing its because something is stuck on my bone spur and I just have to wait for it to "un-stick". Awesome.
Several praises also happened. First and foremost that I managed to say but hey it sometimes goes here and here which led to the hip. That things could be way worse. That I have an Awesome and wonderful God. There is no pain in heaven. There are no bad hips in heaven. That I have friends and family that let me cry and know I will be strong the next day. That just listen and let me be sad. That my husband supports me through everything. That once I got over my sadness, I felt determined to press on. To reach goals and persevere.
Then I got knocked on my bottom again. This time by the flu. Man on man. I haven't been taken down like that in a long time. So Tuesday I get the news of my hip and Friday the flu. What a great week. But we had tkd testing Friday night. I mentioned my determination for goals and persevering right?! I'm not that bad. I will test anyway. I have just set this determination. I can't be derailed. Until Saturday that is. So persevere through testing I did. Saturday I felt like death. I hurt. I had a fever. I coughed and struggled breathing. Yay. Super week. But here I sit on Monday morning. Alive. Not well but healing, at least the flu part. God is good. The devil is tricky and conniving. He keeps trying to knock me down. But God keeps picking me up. Because in HIM is my faith and my hope.
I'm trying to use this week to keep me focused. I joke that I feel a little like Paul with my literal thorn in my side. Maybe one day it will be gone. But until then it won't stop me. I may not know exactly what my purpose here on Earth is but I know God isn't done with me. Yet. But Dear Lord please let the coughing stop. I just can't take that anymore. Look for the blessings and praises around you today. It can change your perspective. If you let it.
"Ain't nothing gonna break my stride, Nobody gonna slow me down, Oh, no, I got to keep on moving..."-Break My Stride- Matthew Wilder
I went to the doctor to check out a knee pain that has been bothering me for months and months on end. I kept putting it off thinking it would get better. Also because I was afraid of what the doctor would say. I mean lets be honest. I work out average of 5 days a week and train at tae kwon do at least 2 days a week. If something happens to my knee what would I do?! I talked to people I train with asking knee related questions. My pain never seemed to match theirs. So I played out all the scenarios in my head of what was or could be wrong with my knee. So now off I go to the doctor. Lets get some X-rays. Okay. Hey so your knee looks perfect. Hmmmm do what now?? Okay so sometimes it feels as though it running this way and that. Oh really...Yep. Lets back track and look at your hip. Um do what now? Okay.
And so what happened next is really where things changed. X-rays of hip done. Well your knee is perfect but you have horrific arthritis in your hip along with 2 bone spurs. You will need a hip replacement. When you cant handle the pain. So let me get this straight...my knee hurts...its not my knee...I have a really bad hip and need a hip replacement....I'm only 37. Nope nope nope. That's not the scenario that I have worked through and dealt with, lets go back. No. Fine be that way. We talked. I was in a bit of shock. I don't have to have the replacement today. Or even tomorrow. Just when I cant handle the pain anymore. Lots of people manage to go 10-20 years before deciding on the replacement. And there is hope of stem cell research doing something for arthritis before then as well. Oh good. So my husband calls and says what are you doing. Currently sitting in my car crying. I am allowed to be upset. Tomorrow I will be okay. Today I'm sad and upset. And I was. Now I can pinpoint my pain and what it is. Which is weird mind you. Walking through the grocery store with my leg hurting and now knowing its because something is stuck on my bone spur and I just have to wait for it to "un-stick". Awesome.
Several praises also happened. First and foremost that I managed to say but hey it sometimes goes here and here which led to the hip. That things could be way worse. That I have an Awesome and wonderful God. There is no pain in heaven. There are no bad hips in heaven. That I have friends and family that let me cry and know I will be strong the next day. That just listen and let me be sad. That my husband supports me through everything. That once I got over my sadness, I felt determined to press on. To reach goals and persevere.
Then I got knocked on my bottom again. This time by the flu. Man on man. I haven't been taken down like that in a long time. So Tuesday I get the news of my hip and Friday the flu. What a great week. But we had tkd testing Friday night. I mentioned my determination for goals and persevering right?! I'm not that bad. I will test anyway. I have just set this determination. I can't be derailed. Until Saturday that is. So persevere through testing I did. Saturday I felt like death. I hurt. I had a fever. I coughed and struggled breathing. Yay. Super week. But here I sit on Monday morning. Alive. Not well but healing, at least the flu part. God is good. The devil is tricky and conniving. He keeps trying to knock me down. But God keeps picking me up. Because in HIM is my faith and my hope.
I'm trying to use this week to keep me focused. I joke that I feel a little like Paul with my literal thorn in my side. Maybe one day it will be gone. But until then it won't stop me. I may not know exactly what my purpose here on Earth is but I know God isn't done with me. Yet. But Dear Lord please let the coughing stop. I just can't take that anymore. Look for the blessings and praises around you today. It can change your perspective. If you let it.
"Ain't nothing gonna break my stride, Nobody gonna slow me down, Oh, no, I got to keep on moving..."-Break My Stride- Matthew Wilder
Wednesday, February 17, 2016
The Coach in the Day
Something has been nagging me. To write this post. So I am sitting down to do it. Because there is always something getting in the way. Something else that needs to get done. But this post has been written in my head for quite a while now. So I am doing it. God clearly has something for me to put out there. So lets see where this train takes us, shall we?
Are you coachable?
My family and I take taekwondo. We all love it. Sparring made me nervous though. I was talking to some instructors one night after class. In discussing my thoughts and fears, one of them said well it depends on if you are coachable. Will you listen and try and get better? That really resonated with me. A lot. I decided right then and there that I would be coachable. Who wouldn't do that, right?! Well it stuck with me. I think about it a lot. What would make this time of being coachable different? Have I always been coachable? Several things occurred to me. I don't remember the last time I considered myself coachable. Sure I would listen to you and what you had to say, but would I actually do anything different....nah probably not. I knew what I was doing. I knew me. How could you possibly know what I really need? (Oh that is good stuff right?!) One of the 4, 567,932 things I love about my husband is that he does not want to be the smartest person in the room. What? is what you are likely thinking. But it is true. He says there is always stuff he doesn't know and always something new to learn.
Hmmmm could this be true? But surely I know a lot. And BAM reality hit. I don't take well to people telling me what to do. Go figure. But in the case of sparring, if I didn't listen I could get hurt or hurt someone else possibly. So I need to do something different. Yay. I just love stepping out of my comfort zone. (that is dripping with sarcasm in case you missed it). I try now and be more of a sponge and soak it all in. Clearly these people teaching me have done this a few million times already. They may in fact know something I dont. More truthfully is that I know nothing and I need to learn. But to learn I have to listen to the great and not so great, and well, down right ugly. Again my husband and all his sage wisdom teaches me a lot as well. Like when he calls all excited about how he got kicked in the head (we all wear protective gear so no one gets hurt) but he continues on about how he needed to block better and he blocked the next kick. He is an extremely smart man. Who doesn't want to be kicked in the head. Obviously. Learn from people. Listen to people.
Sitting in Bible Study this morning and just listening. Lots of people had something they wanted/needed to share. I kept wanting to jump in because I had something to say as well but the lesson was on Listening. So I sat back and I listened. We are studying Jeremiah by Melissa Spoelstra (it is a really wonderful and meaningful study so far). She was talking about how if we sit down and tell someone things we want to get off our minds and then we walk away. How does that help our relationship and what is accomplished? My thoughts went back again to "Are you coachable?". God wants us to listen to him. To seek him and to hear him. We can hear his word, we can pray certain prayers but are we listening to what he is telling us?? Are we letting him mold us into who He created us to be? Are we coachable??
My journey in life and in my faith is exactly where it needs to be. I am now much more coachable. I am trying to listen more. And not just listen but to hear and act accordingly from what I heard. God is still here. Still with us. Still relevant. But do you hear Him? And when you do, will you listen? Will you be coachable? We may give up on God but God never gives up on us.
Dear Lord,
Help me to be coachable today. To hear you and do your will. I am not the smartest person today so let me learn from the Great Teacher.
In Jesus' name,
Amen
Are you coachable?
My family and I take taekwondo. We all love it. Sparring made me nervous though. I was talking to some instructors one night after class. In discussing my thoughts and fears, one of them said well it depends on if you are coachable. Will you listen and try and get better? That really resonated with me. A lot. I decided right then and there that I would be coachable. Who wouldn't do that, right?! Well it stuck with me. I think about it a lot. What would make this time of being coachable different? Have I always been coachable? Several things occurred to me. I don't remember the last time I considered myself coachable. Sure I would listen to you and what you had to say, but would I actually do anything different....nah probably not. I knew what I was doing. I knew me. How could you possibly know what I really need? (Oh that is good stuff right?!) One of the 4, 567,932 things I love about my husband is that he does not want to be the smartest person in the room. What? is what you are likely thinking. But it is true. He says there is always stuff he doesn't know and always something new to learn.
Hmmmm could this be true? But surely I know a lot. And BAM reality hit. I don't take well to people telling me what to do. Go figure. But in the case of sparring, if I didn't listen I could get hurt or hurt someone else possibly. So I need to do something different. Yay. I just love stepping out of my comfort zone. (that is dripping with sarcasm in case you missed it). I try now and be more of a sponge and soak it all in. Clearly these people teaching me have done this a few million times already. They may in fact know something I dont. More truthfully is that I know nothing and I need to learn. But to learn I have to listen to the great and not so great, and well, down right ugly. Again my husband and all his sage wisdom teaches me a lot as well. Like when he calls all excited about how he got kicked in the head (we all wear protective gear so no one gets hurt) but he continues on about how he needed to block better and he blocked the next kick. He is an extremely smart man. Who doesn't want to be kicked in the head. Obviously. Learn from people. Listen to people.
Sitting in Bible Study this morning and just listening. Lots of people had something they wanted/needed to share. I kept wanting to jump in because I had something to say as well but the lesson was on Listening. So I sat back and I listened. We are studying Jeremiah by Melissa Spoelstra (it is a really wonderful and meaningful study so far). She was talking about how if we sit down and tell someone things we want to get off our minds and then we walk away. How does that help our relationship and what is accomplished? My thoughts went back again to "Are you coachable?". God wants us to listen to him. To seek him and to hear him. We can hear his word, we can pray certain prayers but are we listening to what he is telling us?? Are we letting him mold us into who He created us to be? Are we coachable??
My journey in life and in my faith is exactly where it needs to be. I am now much more coachable. I am trying to listen more. And not just listen but to hear and act accordingly from what I heard. God is still here. Still with us. Still relevant. But do you hear Him? And when you do, will you listen? Will you be coachable? We may give up on God but God never gives up on us.
Dear Lord,
Help me to be coachable today. To hear you and do your will. I am not the smartest person today so let me learn from the Great Teacher.
In Jesus' name,
Amen
Monday, February 1, 2016
The Post in the Blog
Hey this is still here. Thats awesome. Clearly it has been a while. A long long while since I have written anything. On the blog of course. I have written many pieces. In my head. Where they start and never seem to finish. Today I thought I would try and reverse that trend. So here it goes.
Last week was my birthday. Yay. Not a particularly great day for a lot of reasons but the biggest were that I had a sinus infection (yeah I can't even make it a month into the new year without one) and we had just gotten back from Disney. So I was not in the best of moods anyway. So yesterday we did more of a celebration for my birthday. It was nice. I was given a gift by a dear sweet thoughtful friend that was left on my porch. It is a daily gratitude journal. This meant so much to me because I had been thinking of how grateful I am. Truly. She gave me a place to sort of document it. I had been thinking how I had not a great birthday but it was just a somewhat bad day. Not a bad life. We all have those sometimes. Next a remember what happened 2 years ago thing popped up on Facebook. It was about my mom and when she was in the hospital 3 years ago. Again so grateful she is alive and healing each and every day. I think of how grateful I am that our lives are so different from then and how hard that was. On all of us. She had so much go so wrong in such a short period of time. I was and still am surrounded by the most amazing people in my life. I have been asked how I made it through those difficult times. The truth is I didn't. God carried me through that 1000%. I remember just collapsing in the shower so overcome with helplessness, thinking that I could not even stand up. HE carried me. I am so grateful and thankful and overwhelmed by that. I think of how grateful I am for my life. I mean that with every beat of my heart and breath I take. 10-12 years ago if you had told me where I would be and what I would be doing, I just would have laughed and wondered what was wrong with you. This life I have is wonderful and amazing and I would not trade it for anything. I dont take it for granted because I remember what was before. I know that it can also be gone at any moment. I think of all the things that have changed. I am grateful. I know no of us are perfect but we are sure perfect for each other. I am thankful for my friend who gave me such a wonderful gift and probably had no idea how it would touch me. Now I have a beautifully bound book to write in. Each day. And remember that with each day I have something to be grateful for. Even if it is a bad day. It is not a bad life. Someone may need to hear that today. I am glad. I am grateful. And now I am out of time...
Last week was my birthday. Yay. Not a particularly great day for a lot of reasons but the biggest were that I had a sinus infection (yeah I can't even make it a month into the new year without one) and we had just gotten back from Disney. So I was not in the best of moods anyway. So yesterday we did more of a celebration for my birthday. It was nice. I was given a gift by a dear sweet thoughtful friend that was left on my porch. It is a daily gratitude journal. This meant so much to me because I had been thinking of how grateful I am. Truly. She gave me a place to sort of document it. I had been thinking how I had not a great birthday but it was just a somewhat bad day. Not a bad life. We all have those sometimes. Next a remember what happened 2 years ago thing popped up on Facebook. It was about my mom and when she was in the hospital 3 years ago. Again so grateful she is alive and healing each and every day. I think of how grateful I am that our lives are so different from then and how hard that was. On all of us. She had so much go so wrong in such a short period of time. I was and still am surrounded by the most amazing people in my life. I have been asked how I made it through those difficult times. The truth is I didn't. God carried me through that 1000%. I remember just collapsing in the shower so overcome with helplessness, thinking that I could not even stand up. HE carried me. I am so grateful and thankful and overwhelmed by that. I think of how grateful I am for my life. I mean that with every beat of my heart and breath I take. 10-12 years ago if you had told me where I would be and what I would be doing, I just would have laughed and wondered what was wrong with you. This life I have is wonderful and amazing and I would not trade it for anything. I dont take it for granted because I remember what was before. I know that it can also be gone at any moment. I think of all the things that have changed. I am grateful. I know no of us are perfect but we are sure perfect for each other. I am thankful for my friend who gave me such a wonderful gift and probably had no idea how it would touch me. Now I have a beautifully bound book to write in. Each day. And remember that with each day I have something to be grateful for. Even if it is a bad day. It is not a bad life. Someone may need to hear that today. I am glad. I am grateful. And now I am out of time...
Monday, January 27, 2014
The Year in the Day
Saturday was my birthday. I turned 35. Once upon I have have been embarrassed and ashamed to tell and admit that. I am not now. Many things have changed over the last few years one of which is my outlook on birthdays. I heard someone say in passing something to the effect of you should celebrate your life and that fact that you have a birthday. I had been sad over birthdays since I turned 25. Ten years later I am good with it. I do celebrate my birthday and my life. It has taken a lot to get where I am today. I am happy. Truly and utterly happy. I love my life. I (perhaps for the first time ever) love myself. I love my family fiercely. I love my God and Praise HIM for where I am today and my outlook. EVERYTHING I have I have because of HIM. I am 35 and I am the most confident, strong, fit, and healthy I have ever been. Am I the skinniest person on the block...um no but who wants that anyway?! I am healthy and strong. I no longer let my past define me. I don't dwell on the past. I look back and think of the lessons I have learned and want to pass along. Then I move on. I am learning more on forgiveness and I'm excited about learning it. This is the best relationship with God I have never imagined. He is truly a wonderful, forgiving, merciful and loving God. I have the most wonderful relationship with my husband I could imagine. He just gets me and I get him. He is truly my soul mate, my lobster. I don't know what I would do without him. My daughter is incredible. I want to do my best for her every single day. I want to help her yet let her help herself. I want to guide her in the right direction and learn. She is independent and strong. She is funny and smart and beautiful inside and out. She has the most empathetic heart. Her caring is incredible. She has a love of life and God. She shines daily. Even when she is sad. I want to do as much for her as I can without doing too much if you know what I mean. She has to learn some things on her own. I want her to know she can come to be about anything and know that I love her always. I want to support and help her learn to support herself. So many things I want to go on about for her. But moving on. I am so thankful for my parents and the relationship we have. If you had told me 10 years ago this is how it would be, I would have laughed in your face and called you a straight up liar. I NEVER imagined it but God does that. He works wonderfully and beautifully because His plans are greater than ours. Thank God for that. Seriously. I love my parents and cant imagine what it would be like now to not have the relationship not just with my but with my husband and my daughter. They are amazing. I love them so dearly. My sister and her whole family. I miss them horribly and they can not get home soon enough but I treasure them. Each of them. I could go on. Yes more than this. =)
I am blessed. I thank God. I am not saying my life is perfect. I have my struggles daily, weekly, monthly, yearly and some days even minutely. But I have learned not to let these things get the best of me, to pray, to lean on God, to stay optimistic, and that I have my sad, down, yucky days. But they pass. When I fall into those rabbit holes of self pity, self loathing, just debbie downer in general, I have people to help lift me up, let me be, and encourage me. My life has turned out in ways I never thought possible. And I could not be more grateful. Embrace who you are and what you offer today. It will surely put a smile on your face and maybe someone elses too. Remember that God has given us everything we need.
Whitney
I am blessed. I thank God. I am not saying my life is perfect. I have my struggles daily, weekly, monthly, yearly and some days even minutely. But I have learned not to let these things get the best of me, to pray, to lean on God, to stay optimistic, and that I have my sad, down, yucky days. But they pass. When I fall into those rabbit holes of self pity, self loathing, just debbie downer in general, I have people to help lift me up, let me be, and encourage me. My life has turned out in ways I never thought possible. And I could not be more grateful. Embrace who you are and what you offer today. It will surely put a smile on your face and maybe someone elses too. Remember that God has given us everything we need.
Whitney
Friday, September 27, 2013
The Reflection in the Day
Today marks one year since my grandmother passed away. I was working out (I think I was doing Tai Cheng). My mom called to tell me that they found her and she didn't wake up. I remember just dropping to my knees and crying and trying to be there for my mom. We got off the phone. I cried and pulled my self together to finish my workout. I just kept thinking "maybe she will wake up" and "it is not really official". I called my husband and then I took a shower. I knew but I didn't want to accept. My sweet husband left work and came home to be with me. I am more grateful for that than he will ever know. He brought me yellow roses and held me. It was a hard day. We drove down to my grandmothers for the service. It was sweet and touching. She would have hated it. She would have been touched but she would have hated it. This is also when my mom started getting sick. The poor woman was so sick before she ever even made it to the hospital. I suppose I see this day as the catalyst to one of the worst years of my adult life but also one of the most inspiring years of my adult life. You see the next month my husbands grandfather passed away. I never got to meet him but I heard lots of stories. He was very loved. We flew to Boston for the funeral. The good that came out of that was getting to see a lot of my husbands extended family and for our daughter to meet them. Plus she got some time with her Papi that she had not seen in about 2 years. Then a little over a month later my mom went into the hospital. Now I can tell you all that has happened over the next 8-9 months, but I wont. Not today. Today I want to share some of the things I have learned.
I have learned that my relationship with God is stronger than I could have ever imagined. He is the only reason I still have my sanity during all of this. They say God wont give you anything you cant handle. I don't believe that's true. I believe He gives you what you cannot handle so you fall to Him. So He can handle what YOU simply cannot. I would not be where I am right now without Him.
I have learned how far reaching prayer can be, how being translucent in your need for prayer can be a good thing, how sometimes asking for help leads you to friends you didn't really know were there, how groups of prayer warriors can truly envelop you with love, comfort, kindness, and healing you didn't know you needed, how family is truly always there for you...no matter where they are, how time can stop in an instant, how doctors can be both wonderful and horrible at the same time, how the grieving process really does need to take place, how chemicals and drugs can affect and effect more than you ever knew possible, how your sister vomiting sunshine can be such a wonderful and welcome presence, the power of email (one time when things were not going so well I emailed my aunt who knows wayyyy more bible verses than me if she could send me some uplifting and encouraging scripture....she did in an instant and it was wonderful) email also helping to keep people informed and in the loop, how a simple email or text of encouraging words can brighten your day, how the joys of a sunset or sunrise are often missed but they are a little bit of God saying hi, the warmth of cousins checking on you and always making sure you all are okay is so nice, the power of calling your moms best friend just crying your eyes out and how she just listens and calms you down, the bonds that are formed from unlikely friendships, that nurses that care are truly one in a million and you can never say thank you to how much that means to you, a bond with your father that you never could have imagined in your life and that you are good with it...both of you, and how much things can change in just a year. (Yes I am aware that was the longest run on sentence ever but its okay.)
Today I miss my grandmother. My heart breaks for my mom and her brothers. I think of my cousin who had a birthday yesterday and that he is probably sad today. I know I miss getting cards from her. Hearing her laugh. I am so grateful that I got to spend time with her as an adult, that she got to be at my wedding, that she knew and LOVED my daughter. These are things that never leave my heart. This past year has been difficult in so many ways. But I have learned so much about myself and others that I know God is using all of this to HIS glory. We even talked about it a little in bible study on Wednesday. Sometimes these trials we go through are for so many other people that they are for us. How can I say that, because I have heard the stories of how many people have been reached through this, how many people prayed that don't usually pray, people talking to each other that haven't spoken in years, and the stories like that continue. That is what propels me to think that God is turning this into something for His glory. And all of our testimonies that have come from this. God is good. Prayer works and is more powerful than we can dream of. The worst of times will pass. Today if you are so inclined, say a prayer for my mom and her family, my sister and her family (God gives them strength to handle things from afar and I know how hard that can be). I pray that this next year brings healing, joy, peace, and the rebuilding of my mom from the inside out. =) Today hug a loved one and tell them you love them, send that card you have been meaning to, and just thank God for this beautiful day. (I will try and post a solid and coherent post sometime soon, since I feel like my last few have been so discombobulated) I also want to say thank you to EVERYONE that has been there for all of us during the past year. Words cannot describe how grateful, thankful, and humbled I am. To my Meems, Give Charlie a hug for me, do some fishing and rummikub. I know you are so happy. We love you and miss you. See you in two weeks.
With Love,
Whitney
I have learned that my relationship with God is stronger than I could have ever imagined. He is the only reason I still have my sanity during all of this. They say God wont give you anything you cant handle. I don't believe that's true. I believe He gives you what you cannot handle so you fall to Him. So He can handle what YOU simply cannot. I would not be where I am right now without Him.
I have learned how far reaching prayer can be, how being translucent in your need for prayer can be a good thing, how sometimes asking for help leads you to friends you didn't really know were there, how groups of prayer warriors can truly envelop you with love, comfort, kindness, and healing you didn't know you needed, how family is truly always there for you...no matter where they are, how time can stop in an instant, how doctors can be both wonderful and horrible at the same time, how the grieving process really does need to take place, how chemicals and drugs can affect and effect more than you ever knew possible, how your sister vomiting sunshine can be such a wonderful and welcome presence, the power of email (one time when things were not going so well I emailed my aunt who knows wayyyy more bible verses than me if she could send me some uplifting and encouraging scripture....she did in an instant and it was wonderful) email also helping to keep people informed and in the loop, how a simple email or text of encouraging words can brighten your day, how the joys of a sunset or sunrise are often missed but they are a little bit of God saying hi, the warmth of cousins checking on you and always making sure you all are okay is so nice, the power of calling your moms best friend just crying your eyes out and how she just listens and calms you down, the bonds that are formed from unlikely friendships, that nurses that care are truly one in a million and you can never say thank you to how much that means to you, a bond with your father that you never could have imagined in your life and that you are good with it...both of you, and how much things can change in just a year. (Yes I am aware that was the longest run on sentence ever but its okay.)
Today I miss my grandmother. My heart breaks for my mom and her brothers. I think of my cousin who had a birthday yesterday and that he is probably sad today. I know I miss getting cards from her. Hearing her laugh. I am so grateful that I got to spend time with her as an adult, that she got to be at my wedding, that she knew and LOVED my daughter. These are things that never leave my heart. This past year has been difficult in so many ways. But I have learned so much about myself and others that I know God is using all of this to HIS glory. We even talked about it a little in bible study on Wednesday. Sometimes these trials we go through are for so many other people that they are for us. How can I say that, because I have heard the stories of how many people have been reached through this, how many people prayed that don't usually pray, people talking to each other that haven't spoken in years, and the stories like that continue. That is what propels me to think that God is turning this into something for His glory. And all of our testimonies that have come from this. God is good. Prayer works and is more powerful than we can dream of. The worst of times will pass. Today if you are so inclined, say a prayer for my mom and her family, my sister and her family (God gives them strength to handle things from afar and I know how hard that can be). I pray that this next year brings healing, joy, peace, and the rebuilding of my mom from the inside out. =) Today hug a loved one and tell them you love them, send that card you have been meaning to, and just thank God for this beautiful day. (I will try and post a solid and coherent post sometime soon, since I feel like my last few have been so discombobulated) I also want to say thank you to EVERYONE that has been there for all of us during the past year. Words cannot describe how grateful, thankful, and humbled I am. To my Meems, Give Charlie a hug for me, do some fishing and rummikub. I know you are so happy. We love you and miss you. See you in two weeks.
With Love,
Whitney
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
The Break in the Heart
That title...that is not just a word today. It is reality and it is hard. Tomorrow my mom goes in for open heart surgery. A little back ground can be found in some of my posts here or my sisters latest blog that gives more detail. http://chiselachurch.blogspot.com/ My mom has been through so much over the last year. That's right, for those keeping count it has been almost a year. A year since my grandmother passed away and the beginning of my moms illness. September 27, 2012. This will be the third surgery with a fourth to follow in a year. One body can only take so much. My prayer, my faith, my hope, is that when this is all said and done she will be a whole new woman. They will have rebuilt her bigger, better, newer, stronger. My emotions are overwhelming right now. I try to be strong for my mom, just be here for my dad and help him as he needs, take care of my family, keep my sister, friends, family informed, while trying to figure out exactly what I feel all at the same time. I dont tell my mom. She does not need that. That alone hurts, she is my best friend. I love her more than she will ever know and it pains me that I cant take away her pain. I would if I could, in an instant. I dont want to burden her. She has enough on her plate. My dad is always a rock, but sometimes, he leans on me. He needs that and he needs me to be here for him. It took us a long time to get to that place. It sucks that here is where it is but at least I can feel like I am doing something for him. He tries for be a sole caretaker for my mom. While he gets annoyed at times, there is such a tenderness and love that I have never seen before. Then there is my poor sister. I feel so bad for her but I know the strength it must take for her. She is far away in Africa with nothing but her prayers and the most AMAZING GOD she can know. I know how much she wants to be here but I know that God is giving her the strength she needs. I can text her info and I PRAISE GOD for that. I praise Him for so much of this. Everyday I praise. There are so many things that could have, should have and would have gone wrong/awry at this point. But they didnt. For that I praise God. That my mother is a walking miracle I praise God. That we are so surrounded in prayer I praise God. That friends and family have called, messaged, texted, emailed love and prayers, people I never would have imagined, have been praying for us and for her. My sister is right when she said we tend to look at the negative. But God has put positive, hopeful, optimistic thoughts and words in my heart. He has a plan and it is greater than mine. He has got this. My control of ANYTHING is an illusion. I praise God for this. Today I may not be handling things well, but I know He is in my heat and Faith is in my heart. Today I am panicky and fearful and scared and human. Just plain human. Tomorrow I will be strong. But for today, I am a mess. I am God's mess. He will carry me through this. He will carry us all through this. PRAISE YOU LORD!!! I feel like this is a jumbled mess. I have such organized thoughts in my head. One day they will come out like that.
Whitney
Whitney
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